Quotes

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.

I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.

No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.

People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.

The world is a snow globe filled with cat shit and retards and someone keeps shaking it.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we now settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Not all who drink energy drinks are douches, but all douches drink energy drinks.

The most humane thing one can do for the poor, is to make them uncomfortable in their poverty.

You have a weekness for chocolate, I get loaded and hit women.

Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down.

I like my coffee like I like my women... ground up and in the freezer.

I patented screwing your mom, but it got revoked for "prior art".

Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one.
It's fine to be proud of it.
But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around,
And please don't try to shove it down my children's throats.

I only eat organic food. If it's not carbon based I wont eat it!

Make no mistake...

Is this the "good Pat" [Parker] or the "scary Pat"?

Egos don't make great software but sound logic does.

Every time a blog is created an angel gets its wings.

Have you ever tried to polish a turd? You can polish it, and polish it, and make it look shiny. But, at the end of the day, it still smells like shit.

I can not build a system that is that retarded.

There are people who agonize over the naming of projects, classes, and applications, and then there are productive people...

We need to keep our ear to the floor, our nose to the grind stone, and hit the low hanging fruit... out of the ballpark!

You need a connection string in your Action Jackson.

This guy goes to see his doctor.
The doctor says, "You've got to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "So I can finishing examining you."

All we are saying, is give giant chickens a chance.

An email is worth a thousand normal words.

Saw Clockwork Orange. Now every time I hear 'Singing in the Rain' I think about kicking the shit out of someone.

Shitty code never dies.

Software engineers think big O means something completely different than most people do.

The world needs giant fighting chickens.

There's a fine line between being assertive and being a prick.

This file was generated by a tool... And you're a tool if you modify it.

That's not just gravy, that's extra fatty gravy.

I have an embarrassment of meetings today.

I don't mean to brag, but I'm really honest.

I'd like to hear what the introverts have to say.

[Project members must have] a steadfast urge to float beyond the netherworld with the astral jellyfish in a shape shifting state akin to Altered States, except not as scary.

A little bit of it is "this". A lotta bit of it is "that".

Don't do the panicked gazelle jump into the river, or wildebeast, or whatever.

For shits sake!

Fricken bone-headed bone-head!

I don't want to be the wet blanket.

I get the gravy that falls off the plate. Then I get hit in the head with the wood spoon.

I was the isolated asshole.

I'll be on you like rice on butter. Wait, that's not right, what is it? Like butter on rice? No, rice on white? Wait, I got it. Like white on rice!

I'm just a meat patty in a puppet string.

In his world we are naughty children that should be spanked. We are up to mischief and not getting anything done.

It's like Skippy's deep fried toad legs.

It's like trying to polish poop.

It's like you shoot yourself in the foot and then you pull your gun out again and shoot your other foot off.

That guy has to be the worst sales person ever. He couldn't sell free water.

We'll treat our site like a graffiti backboard of a malt shop in 1964 Harlem Bronx.

We're like this huge ship, following whichever dolphin has the most money on its back.

We're the people in the bottom of the ship shoveling the coal, meanwhile everyone else is up top dancing and the captain is sailing to Bermuda for a party.

Well I'll be a duck sniffer!

When the wall is going to breach, when you know it's going to keel over, there's no use in keeping your thumb in it when you know the whole wall is going to blow by you.

With properties we can track anything about a user, like for instance if we wanted to track 'Goats Kicked'.

You can't just call Travelocity and say "I want twelve new fields right there, in a week!"

You guys must be smoking different crack pipes.

It's like Forever Stamps, but with burritos.

There is no business that can't be better discussed over beers.

Don't piss on my leg and tell me that it's raining.

To deny a person the consequences of their own action's will create a mass of fools.

Ooooooooh, Kyle [Sherman] is the best
Code so good, no need to test
Be it sproc, table, or DTS
Ain't no man that compares
In the hemisphere of the west
Or the east, for all practical matters...

Doing time in the "suck".

A coworker: The Pentagon? Isn't that the funny shaped building in Washington?
Russ Bass: You mean the one shaped like a pentagon?

Jack Dunietz: These new entities are going to be more human than human. They are going to be pro-human to the extent that they will take themselves as such.
Robert R. Turner: They will be human-like. In a related project I'm attempting to pull a monkey out of my ass to see which event, the creation of these new entities or a living monkey being pulled out of my ass, will occur first. In the short term, my money is on the monkey.

Peter Ruffell [English]: Oh yes, fourth of July, the day we gave away a colony we didn't want to some people we didn't like.
James R. Cunningham [American]: Is that what they teach you in school? Let's get the story straight. That's the day a group of farmers kicked your ass!

It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.

The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.

Please don't assume Lisp is only useful for Animation and Graphics, AI, Bioinformatics, B2B and E-Commerce, Data Mining, EDA/Semiconductor applications, Expert Systems, Finance, Intelligent Agents, Knowledge Management, Mechanical CAD, Modeling and Simulation, Natural Language, Optimization, Research, Risk Analysis, Scheduling, Telecom, and Web Authoring just because these are the only things they happened to list.

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.

A day for firm decisions! Or is it?

A few hours grace before the madness begins again.

A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.

A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.

A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.

A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.

Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.

Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.

Advancement in position.

After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!

Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.

Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.

An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.

An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.

Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Are you a turtle?

Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?

Are you making all this up as you go along?

Are you sure the back door is locked?

Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.

Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.

Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.

Avoid reality at all costs.

Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.

Be careful! Is it classified?

Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!

Be cautious in your daily affairs.

Be different: Conform.

Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.

Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.

Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.

Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.

Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.

Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.

Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.

Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.

Beware of Bigfoot!

Beware of low-flying butterflies.

Beware the one behind you.

Blow it out your ear.

Break into jail and claim police brutality.

Bridge ahead. Pay troll.

Buy the negatives at any price.

Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.

Caution: Keep out of reach of children.

Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.

Change your thoughts and you change your world.

Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.

Chess tonight.

Chicken Little only has to be right once.

Chicken Little was right.

Cold hands, no gloves.

Communicate! It can't make things any worse.

Courage is your greatest present need.

Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.

Do not overtax your powers.

Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.

Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.

Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.

Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.

Domestic happiness and faithful friends.

Don't feed the bats tonight.

Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.

Don't get to bragging.

Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.

Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.

Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.

Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.

Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.

Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.

Don't read everything you believe.

Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.

Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.

Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.

Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?

Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?

Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.

Everything will be just tickety-boo today.

Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.

Excellent day to have a rotten day.

Excellent time to become a missing person.

Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.

Exercise caution in your daily affairs.

Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.

Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.

Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.

Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.

Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.

Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.

Give him an evasive answer.

Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.

Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.

Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.

Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.

Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.

Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.

Good day to let down old friends who need help.

Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.

Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.

Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.

Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.

Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.

If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.

If you can read this, you're too close.

If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.

If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.

If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.

If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!

If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.

In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.

Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.

Is that really YOU that is reading this?

Is this really happening?

It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.

It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.

It was all so different before everything changed.

It's all in the mind, ya know.

It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.

Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.

Just to have it is enough.

Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.

Keep it short for pithy sake.

Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight.

Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.

Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.

Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.

Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.

Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.

Long life is in store for you.

Look afar and see the end from the beginning.

Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.

Make a wish, it might come true.

Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.

Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.

Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.

Never give an inch!

Never look up when dragons fly overhead.

Never reveal your best argument.

Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.

Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.

Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.

People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.

Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.

Questionable day. Ask somebody something.

Reply hazy, ask again later.

Save energy: Be apathetic.

Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.

Slow day. Practice crawling.

Snow Day -- stay home.

So this it it. We're going to die.

So you're back... about time...

Someone is speaking well of you.

Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!

Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.

Stay away from flying saucers today.

Stay away from hurricanes for a while.

Stay the curse.

That secret you've been guarding, isn't.

The time is right to make new friends.

There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.

There is a fly on your nose.

There was a phone call for you.

There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.

Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.

Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".

This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.

Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.

Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.

Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

Today is what happened to yesterday.

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.

Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.

Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.

Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.

Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.

Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)

Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.

Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.

Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.

Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.

Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.

Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.

What happened last night can happen again.

While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.

Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.

You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.

You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.

You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.

You are always busy.

You are as I am with You.

You are capable of planning your future.

You are confused; but this is your normal state.

You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.

You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.

You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.

You are fairminded, just and loving.

You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.

You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.

You are going to have a new love affair.

You are magnetic in your bearing.

You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.

You are number 6! Who is number one?

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.

You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.

You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.

You are standing on my toes.

You are taking yourself far too seriously.

You are the only person to ever get this message.

You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.

You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.

You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.

You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.

You can rent this space for only $5 a week.

You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.

You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.

You dialed 5483.

You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.

You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.

You enjoy the company of other people.

You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.

You fill a much-needed gap.

You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.

You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.

You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.

You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.

You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.

You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.

You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.

You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.

You have a truly strong individuality.

You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.

You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.

You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.

You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.

You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.

You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.

You have been selected for a secret mission.

You have Egyptian flu: You're going to be a mummy.

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.

You have many friends and very few living enemies.

You have no real enemies.

You have taken yourself too seriously.

You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.

You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.

You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.

You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE."

You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.

You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.

You look tired.

You love peace.

You love your home and want it to be beautiful.

You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.

You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.

You may be recognized soon. Hide.

You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!

You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.

You need more time; and you probably always will.

You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.

You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.

You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.

You now have Asian Flu.

You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.

You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.

You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.

You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.

You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.

You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.

You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

You should go home.

You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.

You teach best what you most need to learn.

You too can wear a nose mitten.

You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.

You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.

You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.

You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.

You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.

You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.

You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.

You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.

You will be awarded some great honor.

You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.

You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.

You will be dead within a year.

You will be divorced within a year.

You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.

You will be held hostage by a radical group.

You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.

You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.

You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.

You will be married within a year.

You will be misunderstood by everyone.

You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.

You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.

You will be run over by a beer truck.

You will be run over by a bus.

You will be singled out for promotion in your work.

You will be successful in love.

You will be surprised by a loud noise.

You will be surrounded by luxury.

You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.

You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.

You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.

You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.

You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.

You will become rich and famous unless you don't.

You will contract a rare disease.

You will engage in a profitable business activity.

You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.

You will feel hungry again in another hour.

You will forget that you ever knew me.

You will gain money by a fattening action.

You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.

You will gain money by an illegal action.

You will gain money by an immoral action.

You will get what you deserve.

You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.

You will have a long and boring life.

You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.

You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.

You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.

You will have long and healthy life.

You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.

You will inherit millions of dollars.

You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.

You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.

You will live to see your grandchildren.

You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.

You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.

You will never know hunger.

You will not be elected to public office this year.

You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.

You will outgrow your usefulness.

You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.

You will pass away very quickly.

You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.

You will pioneer the first Martian colony.

You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.

You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.

You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.

You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.

You will soon forget this.

You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.

You will step on the night soil of many countries.

You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.

You will triumph over your enemy.

You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.

You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.

You will wish you hadn't.

You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.

You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

You would if you could but you can't so you won't.

You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.

You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.

You'll be sorry...

You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.

You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.

You'll never be the man your mother was!

You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.

You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.

You're a card which will have to be dealt with.

You're almost as happy as you think you are.

You're at the end of the road again.

You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.

You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."

You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.

You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.

You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!

You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.

You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.

Your aim is high and to the right.

Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.

Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.

Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.

Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.

Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.

Your business will assume vast proportions.

Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.

Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.

Your domestic life may be harmonious.

Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).

Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)

Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.

Your love life will be happy and harmonious.

Your love life will be... interesting.

Your lover will never wish to leave you.

Your lucky color has faded.

Your lucky number has been disconnected.

Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.

Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.

Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.

Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.

Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.

Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.

Your present plans will be successful.

Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.

Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.

Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.

Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.

Your step will soil many countries.

Your supervisor is thinking about you.

Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.

Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

You can't heal stupidity.

I'm not saying that elf girls are sluts or anything, but have you ever seen a half-dwarf or half-halfling?

Some people say the world is almost completely full of honest people. I prefer to say the world is completely full of almost honest people.

Then we can fly around space Sharting.

I agree to disagree to agree that we agree to disagree.

"...our cybersex was both steamy, and oddly tender. Afterward, we cyberspooned, and he/she even agreed to lay in the digital wet spot."

I'm casually hardcore, and a hardcore casual.

I'm going to go all W.T. Sherman on you, Harp.

How much surgery does a man have to have, to turn himself into a woman before another man isn't gay for having sex with them?

Dear God/Allah/Yahweh/Buddha/Joe Pesci/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Raptor Jesus please let us into the PS2 Beta to purge infidels and spread your light. In Uey the pantsless harbinger of the hangover's name we pray, amen.

Truth is, I'm also a little gassy, and I think that last fart felt a little "too" wet, if you know what I mean.

Brizel has taste. Just throwing that out there.

Forum Happiness 101: Post to the topic, not the poster. You don't know what they are thinking, feeling or mean. You don't know what motivates them or drives them. You know absolutely nothing about them. Don't guess, you will be wrong. Don't assume, you will be wronger. Ask, or ignore me. And everyone will be happy-er.

He couldn't program his way out of a state machine.

Will flying a Drake give me that tingly, wholesome feeling you get when ya slather a jar of peanut butter on your rectum & walk into a kennel?

You can't spell suck without the U. [Original was from Dao Jones: You can't spell "You Suck" without "The U".]

[On Brizel's Birthday] Happy womb jettison day!

I like my women like I like my cake... Rich and moist!

What happens in the Uey spankatorium STAYS in the Uey spankatorium.

You didn't do exactly what you weren't supposed to do.

[His dad] Son, if you are ever lucky enough to find a group of people who are both clever and kind, who are both playful and wise, who appeal to you as individuals and yet make you feel welcome as part of a group... for God's sake, go bug them for a while, because you're driving us crazy here.

[Regarding PowerHouse] Comic Sans is actually appropriate for a Superhero character making program. In fact, it might be the only example of thematically acceptable use of Comic Sans in history.

Down in the ocean, floating like an island,
a peg leg for a rudder and me skives for a sail.
I'm sure a goner, but I'm still a smilin'
for I just walked the plank and I live to tell the tale!

Toast to health and lasting peace,
may faction end and wealth increase.
Come let us drink while we have breath
for there's no drinking after death.

The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!

Don't worry about what anybody else is going to do. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either –- but right through every human heart...

It's no wonder Christian Coalition members repeat their organization's mission like a mantra. Understanding morality not informed by a faith in Jesus Christ must confound true believers at least as much as values not guided primarily by common sense perplex the rest of the population.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

Every religion is true one way or another. It is true when understood metaphorically. But when it gets stuck in its own metaphors, interpreting them as facts, then you are in trouble.

The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.

Half a truth is often a great lie.

The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.

I don't know half of you as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after themselves.

Real men look at each other in the eyes when they disagree with them. They don't hide behind a mob.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Many will call me an adventurer, and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes.

I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.

Which is more improbable -- that the trillions of solar systems in the known universe exploded from something smaller than a pinhead or that there is an invisible, omniscient moral intelligence present everywhere that has the highest tolerance for cruelty?

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could do only a little.

I have two kinds of problems, the urgent and the important. The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent.

We are punished by our sins, not for them.

You will find great contentment in the daily, routine activities.

The world is wide, and I will not waste my life in friction when it could be turned into momentum.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Hard times create strong men. Strong men create good times. Good times create weak men. And, weak men create hard times.

Greed is good.

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

Science is organized knowledge. Wisdom is organized life.

When scientific conversations cease, then dogma rather than knowledge begins to rule the day.

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

Organized religion is a crutch for the weak-minded.

Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.

I don't fall for the Jesus freaks when they seem like they want to win.

Religion is the opiate of the masses.

Hard work beats talent when talent fails to work hard.

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Mathematicians have tried in vain to this day to discover some order in the sequence of prime numbers, and we have reason to believe that it is a mystery into which the human mind will never penetrate.

I'm still an atheist, thank God.

I sounds like a broken clock.

You can only get hurt [by words] by giving power to words.

How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.

More law, less justice.

Sometimes low self-esteem is earned. It's the correct response if you are not trying your best.

You wanted an argument? Oh, I'm sorry, but this is abuse, you want room 12A, just along the corridor. Stupid git.

Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.

The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it.

I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.

A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament.

A plan? Oh man, I hate plans. That means we have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or mission statement?

In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately we become enslaved by it.

[When asked how he was doing.] Not dead yet, not broke yet. All good.

Our units of temporal measurement, from seconds on up to months, are so complicated, asymmetrical and disjunctive so as to make coherent mental reckoning in time all but impossible. Indeed, had some tyrannical god contrived to enslave our minds to time, to make it all but impossible for us to escape subjection to sodden routines and unpleasant surprises, he could hardly have done better than handing down our present system. It is like a set of trapezoidal building blocks, with no vertical or horizontal surfaces, like a language in which the simplest thought demands ornate constructions, useless particles and lengthy circumlocutions. Unlike the more successful patterns of language and science, which enable us to face experience boldly or at least level-headedly, our system of temporal calculation silently and persistently encourages our terror of time.

It is as though architects had to measure length in feet, width in meters and height in ells; as though basic instruction manuals demanded a knowledge of five different languages. It is no wonder then that we often look into our own immediate past or future, last Tuesday or a week from Sunday, with feelings of helpless confusion.

The longer it takes for a bug to surface, the harder it is to find.

All truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.

Starting a business is the most public, most expensive, riskiest way of all to be wrong.

If I truly want to understand humanity, I only need to read the comments section on YouTube.

Bill: ...grab your hoop skirt and get on up here pretty lady, and we'll ride real slow.
Karolyn: Get down!
Bill: Why don't you like fun?

Bill: Two thousand nine hundred ninety eight, two thousand nine hundred ninety nine, three thousand. Ready or not here I come.
[Shot of Karolyn halfway hiding behind a living room chair.]
Bill: I can see your butt.

Rather fail with honour than succeed by fraud.

Phase One: Collect underpants.
Phase Two: ?
Phase Three: Profit.

To believe with certainty we must begin by doubting.

With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil -- that takes religion.

If you're bored, you're boring.

From now on we live in a world where man has walked on the Moon. It's not a miracle; we just decided to go.

Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.

Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities.

If it's just a game, then why do they keep score?

Yoda once said, "You have fear in your words. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
A wise man added, "Suffering leads to compassion. Compassion leads to brotherhood. Brotherhood leads to peace."
An even wiser man added, "Peace leads to boredom. Boredom leads to aggression. Aggression leads to fear... and we are right back where we started."

There are no monotheists in the foxholes of the Amazon Rain Forest.

Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!

A deep, unwavering belief is a sure sign you're missing something.

A DREAM written down with a date becomes a GOAL.
A GOAL broken down into steps becomes a PLAN.
A PLAN backed by ACTION becomes REALITY.

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome!"

A horse walks into a pub and orders a pint. The bartender says, "You're in here a lot, do you think you may be an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "I don't think I am" and disappears from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think, therefore I am' but to explain that before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Beer is the path to the drunk side. Beer leads to cocktails. Cocktails lead to shots. Shots lead to suffering (the next morning).

Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart he dreams himself your master.

Computer games don't affect kids! I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, while listening to repetitive electronic music.

Cult: A small, unpopular religion.
Religion: A large, popular cult.

Department of Redundancy, Department

Fitts's Law: The time to acquire a target is a function of the distance to and size of the target.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French,
and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss,
and It's all organized by the Italians.

I can't decide whether to be a good example or a horrible warning.

I used to be indecisive, but, I'm not so sure now.

In theory, theory and practice are the same, but in practice they never are.

Let it not be misconstrued that I do not disapprove.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.

Some people are like slinkys, not at all useful but you can't help but smile when you push them down the stairs.

That's dope fresh!

The Internet: The only place where guys are guys, women are guys, and children are police officers.

There are two types of people: those who use the Oxford comma, those who don't and those who should.

There is nothing so insignificant that it cannot be blown out of all proportion.

We're going where no man's eyes have set foot before.

You can't cure stupidity or malice with instructions.

You don't rate to debate with the great.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

Always do whatever's next.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

More harm has been done to the collective human psyche by religion than by all the fucking and cocksucking since the dawn of time.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture you forever and ever 'till the end of time... but he loves you. And he needs money.

Religion is just mind control.

Some people see things that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

startApplication()
thenWaitFriggingForever()
thenItGoesRealSlow()

The friends chat gaily,
I stand up to join their talk.
My save-excursion.

Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator

Obligatory:
But In Soviet Russia
Haiku Uses You

"Happiness" is a pointless goal.

"No tree can grow to Heaven," adds the ever-terrifying Carl Gustav Jung, psychoanalyst extraordinaire, "unless its roots reach down to Hell."

A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very, very dangerous man who has it under voluntary control.

A properly balanced story provides an equal representation of the negative and positive attributes of, I could say the world, but it's actually a being. Harry Potter is a good example. So Harry's the hero, right. But he's tainted with evil. There's a dark and a light in every bit of that narrative. It's well balanced.

Accept the terrible responsibility of life with eyes wide open.

Adopt responsibility for your own well-being, try to put your family together, try to serve your community, try to seek for eternal truth... That's the sort of thing that can ground you in your life, enough so that you can withstand the difficulty of life.

All things considered, there's nobody better for children than parents.

And if you think tough men are dangerous, wait until you see what weak men are capable of.

Anybody with more than a cursory knowledge of 20th century history, who dares to claim simultaneously that they have compassion for the downtrodden and that they're Marxists are reveling either: their ignorance of history is so astounding it's actually a form of miracle, or a kind of malevolence that's so reprehensible it's almost unspeakable. Because, we already ran the equity experiment over the course of the 20th century. We already know what the Marxist doctrines have done for oppressed people all around the world. And, the answer to that mostly was, imprison them, enslave them, work them to death, or execute them. And, as far as I can tell, that's not precisely commensurate with any message of compassion. Sorry, tried that. It didn't work. We've got a hundred million corpses to prove it, and that's plenty for me. And, if it's not enough for you, then you should do some serious thinking. Either about your historical knowledge or your moral character.

As pessimistic as I am about the nature of human beings and our capacity for atrocity and malevolence and betrayal and laziness and inertia, and all those things, I think we can transcend all that and set things straight.

Assuming if there's such a thing as reality, if you have a false relationship with it, how can you do anything but fail?

Be grateful in spite of your suffering.

Become aware of your own insufficiency.

Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not to who someone else is today.

Dialogue is the pathway to truth.

Do not ever underestimate the destructive power of sins of omission.

Don't be dependent. At all. Ever. Period.

Don't compare yourself with other people; compare yourself with who you were yesterday.

Don't lie about anything, ever. Lying leads to Hell.

Don't be a slave to stupid rules.

Don't underestimate the power of vision and direction. These are irresistible forces, able to transform what might appear to be unconquerable obstacles into traversable pathways and expanding opportunities. Strengthen the individual. Start with yourself. Take care with yourself. Define who you are. Refine your personality. Choose your destination and articulate your Being. As the great nineteenth-century German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche so brilliantly noted, "He whose life has a why can bear almost any how."

Everything isn't political.

Face the demands of life voluntarily. Respond to a challenge, instead of bracing for catastrophe.

Free speech is not just another value. It's the foundation of Western civilization.

Hate speech is inevitably defined by those who hate speech.

Humility is recognition of personal insufficiency and the willingness to learn.

I am not going to be a mouthpiece for language that I detest.

I could hardly sit through "Frozen." There was an attempt to craft a moral message and to build the story around that, instead of building the story and letting the moral message emerge. It was the subjugation of art to propaganda, in my estimation.

I do believe that there are places where the mythological and the literal touch.

I don't tell people, "You're okay the way that you are." That's not the right story. The right story is, "You're way less than you could be."

I don't think that you have any insight whatsoever into your capacity for good until you have some well-developed insight into your capacity for evil.

I happen to be a big fan of Western civilization; I think it beats the hell out of tyranny and starvation.

I have a hard time figuring out what kind of box to put me in, too, because I don't know exactly what's going on around me or why. But I need to stay outside of boxes because then I can look at what's inside of them without being part of them.

I have something in common with Nazis in that I am opposed to the radical Left. And when you oppose the radical Left, you end up being a part of a much larger group that includes Nazis in it.

I like to recede away from classifications. You might say that indicates a fundamental lack of commitment. I suppose that's true to some degree.

I like working-class people, generally speaking.

I suppose for a very long time I've been trying to understand how it is that people might make sense out of their lives and make meaning and make their lives meaningful in the face of the trouble that life brings.

I think Canadians are more interested in international events than Americans because it is such a small country, so politics affect it more.

I wasn't a conservative until liberals kowtowed to radicals.

I'm always surprised when people respond positively to what I am saying, given its seriousnessness and strange nature.

I'm interested in what motivates individuals to participate in atrocious acts to support their ideological identification.

I've known for years that the university underserved the community, because we assumed that university education is for 18- to 22-year-olds, which is a proposition that's so absurd it is absolutely mind-boggling that anyone ever conceptualized it. Why wouldn't you take university courses throughout your entire life?

I've studied authoritarianism for a very long time -- for 40 years -- and they're started by people's attempts to control the ideological and linguistic territory.

Ideologies are substitutes for true knowledge, and ideologues are always dangerous when they come to power, because a simple-minded I-know-it-all approach is no match for the complexity of existence.

If someone is making everyone around them miserable and you'd like to know why, their motive may simply be to make everyone around them miserable including themselves.

If the standard transsexual person wants to be regarded as he or she, my sense is I'll address you according to the part that you appear to be playing.

If you can't understand why someone is doing something, look at the consequences of their actions, whatever they might be, and then infer the motivations from their consequences.

For example if someone is making everyone around them miserable and you'd like to know why, their motive may simply be to make everyone around them miserable including themselves.

If you don't say what you think then you kill your unborn self.

If you don't stand your ground, then all that happens is people push you backwards.

If you fulfill your obligations every day you don't need to worry about the future.

If you have a comprehensive explanation for everything then it decreases uncertainty and anxiety and reduces your cognitive load. And if you can use that simplifying algorithm to put yourself on the side of moral virtue then you're constantly a good person with a minimum of effort.

If you learn a martial art, you learn to be dangerous, but simultaneously, you learn to control it.

If you're a social scientist worth your salt, you never do a univariate analysis.

If you're not going to be rewarded for your virtues, and instead you're going to be punished for them, then what's your motivation to continue?

If you're talking to a man who wouldn't fight with you under any circumstances whatsoever, then you're talking to someone for whom you have absolutely no respect.

If you're going to be successful you need to be smart, conscientious, and tough.

If you're going to insist on bending the world to your way, you better have your reasons.

In the West, we have been withdrawing from our tradition-, religion- and even nation-centred cultures, partly to decrease the danger of group conflict. But we are increasingly falling prey to the desperation of meaninglessness, and that is no improvement at all.

Intolerance of others' views (no matter how ignorant or incoherent they may be) is not simply wrong; in a world where there is no right or wrong, it is worse: it is a sign you are embarrassingly unsophisticated or, possibly, dangerous.

It is more difficult to rule yourself than to rule a city.

It isn't generally the case that liberals dominate entire hierarchies. That isn't generally how it works, because the hierarchies are usually set up so that conservatives fill up the hierarchies; it's in the nature of hierarchy.

It makes sense that a witch lives in a swamp.

It took untold generations to get you where you are. A little gratitude might be in order.

It's a small percentage of people who do the 80-hour-a-week high-powered career thing, and they're almost all men. Why? Well, men are driven by socio-economic status more than women.

It's in responsibility that most people find the meaning that sustains them through life. It's not in happiness. It's not in impulsive pleasure.

It's in the best interest of the radical left types -- best psychological and strategic interest -- to refuse to admit to the possibility that reasonable people can object to their ideological staff. Because if reasonable people objected, that would imply that their ideological stance is not reasonable.

It's not just human nature to associate in tribes. It's deeper than that.

It's not proper for the government to intrude too thoroughly into the domain of the family. It's inappropriate.

It's very difficult to regulate yourself, and if you learn to do that, well, it starts to spill over.

It's very hard to find your own words -- and you don't actually exist until you have your own words.

It's better to do something badly than to not do it at all.

Kathleen Wynne and her band of radical-left cronies think they have a handle on what constitutes human identity and also what should constitute human morality. And I think that that's being pushed in a manner in schools that's completely reprehensible. It's not education, in my estimation. It's a form of indoctrination.

Life is suffering
Love is the desire to see unnecessary suffering ameliorated
Truth is the handmaiden of love
Dialogue is the pathway to truth
Humility is recognition of personal insufficiency and the willingness to learn
To learn is to die voluntarily and be born again, in great ways and small
So speech must be untrammeled
So that dialogue can take place
So that we can all humbly learn
So that truth can serve love
So that suffering can be ameliorated
So that we can all stumble forward to the Kingdom of God

Life is tragic. You are tiny and flawed and ignorant and weak, and everything else is huge, complex, and overwhelming.

Life is very difficult. One of the most ancient of religious ideas that emerges everywhere, I would say, is that life is essentially suffering.

Love is the desire to see unnecessary suffering ameliorated.

Make friends with people who want the best for you.

Men and women aren't the same. And they won't be the same. That doesn't mean that they can't be treated fairly.

Music has an intrinsic meaning, which has always been mysterious to me.

No one gets away with anything, ever, so take responsibility for your own life.

Notice that opportunity lurks where responsibility has been abdicated.

Obviously, I'm no fan of the radical left.

Once someone has spent enough time cultivating bad habits and biding their time, they are much diminished. Much of what they could have been has dissipated.

One of the things I've told men over and over and over and over is if you're being rejected by all the women that you approach, it's not the women!

Our physiological constitution is obviously a product of Darwinian processes, insofar as you buy the evolutional theory as a generative, as an account of the mechanism that generated us. Our physiology evolved, our behaviors evolved, and our accounts of those behaviors, both successful and unsuccessful, evolved.

Part of the core information that I've been purveying is that identity politics is a sick game. You don't play racial, ethnic, and gender identity games. The Left plays them on behalf of the oppressed, let's say, and the Right tends to play them on behalf of nationalism and ethnic pride. I think they're equally dangerous.

Part of the reason there's an injunction to the truth, for example, is that if you're in a circumstance of extreme uncertainty, your best weapon, let's say, or your best tool or your best defense is the truth, because it keeps things simpler.

People create their worlds with the tools they have directly at hand.

People have been fed this diet of pabulum, rights, and impulsive freedom. There's just an absolute starvation for the other side of the story.

People have this capacity within them to set the world straight.

Perhaps you are overvaluing what you don't have and undervaluing what you do.

Political Correctness: The elevation of moral posturing about sensitivity over truth.

Power is competence.

Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient).

Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world.

So, attend carefully to your posture. Quit drooping and hunching around. Speak your mind. Put your desires forward, as if you had a right to them -– at least the same right as others. Walk tall and gaze forthrightly ahead. Dare to be dangerous. Encourage the serotonin to flow plentifully through the neural pathways desperate for its calming influence.

Some of these Ivy League kids want to have it both ways. They want to be baby members of the 1 percent, which they most certainly are, and yet still portray themselves as the oppressed.

Sometimes, when people have a low opinion of their own worth -- or, perhaps, when they refuse responsibility for their lives -- they choose a new acquaintance, of precisely the type who proved troublesome in the past. Such people don't believe that they deserve any better -- so they don't go looking for it. Or, perhaps, they don't want the trouble of better. Freud called this a "repetition compulsion." He thought of it as an unconscious drive to repeat the horrors of the past -- sometimes, perhaps, to formulate those horrors more precisely, sometimes to attempt more active mastery and sometimes, perhaps, because no alternatives beckon. People create their worlds with the tools they have directly at hand. Faulty tools produce faulty results. Repeated use of the same faulty tools produces the same faulty results. It is in this manner that those who fail to learn from the past doom themselves to repeat it. It's partly fate. It's partly inability. It's partly... unwillingness to learn? Refusal to learn? Motivated refusal to learn?

That's another hallmark of truth, is that it snaps things together. People write to me all the time and say it's as if things were coming together in my mind. It's like the Platonic idea that all learning was remembering. You have a nature, and when you feel that nature articulated, it's it's like the act of snapping the puzzle pieces together.

The answer to the problem of inequality is for the people who are fortunate enough to either have been gifted or deserved more to do everything they can to make the communities around them as strong as they possibly can.

The connection between psychology, mythology, and literature is as important as the connection between psychology and biology and the hard sciences.

The creative person, by contrast, is always open to new possibilities.

The highly functional infrastructure that surrounds us, particularly in the West, is a gift from our ancestors: the comparatively uncorrupt political and economic systems, the technology, the wealth, the lifespan, the freedom, the luxury, and the opportunity.

The idea that women were oppressed throughout history is an appalling theory.

The literature associating inequality with social instability and poor health outcomes is pretty convincing.

The masculine spirit is under assault. It's obvious.

The most propagandistic element of "Frozen" was the transformation of the prince at the beginning of the story, who was a perfectly good guy, into a villain with no character development whatsoever about three-quarters of the way to the ending.

The multiplication force of technology on cognitive differences is massive.

The narrow bandwidth of TV has made us think that we are stupider than we are.

The people who hold that our culture is an oppressive patriarchy, they don't want to admit that the current hierarchy might be predicated on competence.

The poor and stressed always die first, and in greater numbers. They are also much more susceptible to non-infectious diseases, such as cancer, diabetes and heart disease. When the aristocracy catches a cold, as it is said, the working class dies of pneumonia.

The purpose of life is finding the largest burden that you can bear and bearing it.

The purpose of life, as far as I can tell... is to find a mode of being that's so meaningful that the fact that life is suffering is no longer relevant.

The right-wingers don't want to admit that for some people, there are no jobs; they think that conscientiousness in and of itself will do the trick.

The secret to your existence is right in front of you, and it manifests itself as all those things you know you should do but you're avoiding.

The successful among us delay gratification and bargain with the future.

The truth is something that burns. It burns off dead wood. And people don't like having the dead wood burnt off, often because they're 95 percent dead wood.

The way that you make people resilient is by voluntarily exposing them to things that they are afraid of and that makes them uncomfortable.

There's a personality trait known as agreeableness. Agreeable people are compassionate and polite. And agreeable people get paid less than disagreeable people for the same job. Women are more agreeable than men.

There's no doubt that inequality destabilizes societies. I think the social science evidence on that front is crystal clear.

To master a new technology, you have to play with it.

To me, ideology is corrupt; it's a parasite on religious structures. To be an ideologue is to have all of the terrible things that are associated with religious certainty and none of the utility. If you're an ideologue, you believe everything that you think. If you're religious, there's a mystery left there.

To stand up straight with your shoulders back is to accept the terrible responsibility of life, with eyes wide open. It means deciding to voluntarily transform the chaos of potential into the realities of habitable order. It means adopting the burden of self-conscious vulnerability, and accepting the end of the unconscious paradise of childhood, where finitude and mortality are only dimly comprehended. It means willingly undertaking the sacrifices necessary to generate a productive and meaningful reality (it means acting to please God, in the ancient language).

To suffer terribly and to know yourself as the cause: that is Hell.

Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping.

Truth is the handmaiden of love.

We deserve some respect. You deserve some respect. You are important to other people, as much as to yourself. You have some vital role to play in the unfolding destiny of the world. You are, therefore, morally obliged to take care of yourself. You should take care of, help and be good to yourself the same way you would take care of, help and be good to someone you loved and valued. You may therefore have to conduct yourself habitually in a manner that allows you some respect for your own Being -- and fair enough. But every person is deeply flawed. Everyone falls short of the glory of God. If that stark fact meant, however, that we had no responsibility to care, for ourselves as much as others, everyone would be brutally punished all the time. That would not be good. That would make the shortcomings of the world, which can make everyone who thinks honestly question the very propriety of the world, worse in every way. That simply cannot be the proper path forward.

We have to rediscover the eternal values and then live them out.

We're so immaturely cynical as a culture. We're not wise enough to look at an institution like marriage and to really things about what it means and what it signifies. It signifies a place where people can tie the ropes of their lives together so that they're stronger. It signifies a place where people can tell the truth to one another.

What is your friend: the things you know, or the things you don't know. First of all, there's a lot more things you don't know. And second, the things you don't know is the birthplace of all your new knowledge! So, if you make the things you don't know your friend, rather than the things you know, well then you're always on a quest in a sense. You're always looking for new information in the off chance that somebody who doesn't agree with you will tell you something you couldn't have figured out on your own! It's a completely different way of looking at the world. It's the antithesis of opinionated.

When you have something to say, silence is a lie.

When you start to realise how much of what you've constructed of yourself is based on deception and lies, that is a horrifying realisation.

Whether or not I like a piece of data has very little bearing on whether or not I am likely to accept it.

Women deeply want men who are competent and powerful. And I don't mean power in that they can exert tyrannical control over others. That's not power. That's just corruption.

Women select men. That makes them nature, because nature is what selects. And you can say "Well it's only symbolic that women are nature", it's like no, it's not just symbolic. The woman is the gatekeeper to reproductive success. And you can't get more like nature than that, in fact it's the very definition of nature.

Work as hard as you possibly can on at least one thing and see what happens.

You can do an awful lot by writing down what happened to you and thinking it through.

You can only find out what you actually believe (rather than what you think you believe) by watching how you act. You simply don't know what you believe, before that. You are too complex to understand yourself.

You can say, "Well, isn't it unfortunate that chaos is represented by the feminine" -- well, it might be unfortunate, but it doesn't matter, because that is how it's represented. It's been represented like that forever. And there are reasons for it. You can't change it. It's not possible. This is underneath everything.

You can think of the entire Internet as a place where ideas embodied in cyberspace are having a war, and it's not much different than the war of gods in heaven, which has been taking place since there's been human beings.

You can't go backward in life.

You can't have a value structure without a hierarchy. They're the same thing because a value structure means one thing takes precedence over another.

You can't just slander someone, defame them, lie about them. You can't incite people to crime. There's all sorts of reasonable restrictions on free speech that are already codified in the British common-law system.

You cannot be protected from the things that frighten you and hurt you, but if you identify with the part of your being that is responsible for transformation, then you are always the equal, or more than the equal of the things that frighten you.

You have to listen very carefully and tell the truth if you are going to get a paranoid person to open up to you.

You have to treat yourself like you matter because if you don't then you don't take care of yourself and you become vengeful and cruel and you take it out on people around you and you are not a positive force. None of that is good... you suffer more and so does everyone else around you.

You may say, "Well, dragons don't exist." It's, like, yes they do -- the category "predator" and the category "dragon" are the same category. It absolutely exists. It's a superordinate category. It exists absolutely more than anything else. In fact, it really exists.

You might be winning but you're not growing and growing might be the most important form of winning.

You must determine where you are going in your life, because you cannot get there unless you move in that direction. Random wandering will not move you forward. It will instead disappoint and frustrate you and make you anxious and unhappy and hard to get along with (and then resentful, and then vengeful, and then worse).

You should do what other people do, unless you have a very good reason not to.

You're going to pay a price for every bloody thing you do and everything you don't do. You don't get to choose to not pay a price. You get to choose which poison you're going to take.

You're not everything you could be, and you know it.

"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"

This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.

"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."

I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Never laugh at live dragons.

The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.

Big book, big bore.

In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.

Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!

Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!

I'll burn my books.

The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again.

Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.

Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took *thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.

When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.

If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.

There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.

Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess.

Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.

Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.

If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.

In a time of deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.

The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it.

Truth is treason in an empire of lies.

Who controls the past, controls the future.
Who controls the present controls the past.

Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959.

Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.

"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!"

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.

A is for Apple.

Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.

For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.

"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me."

AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!

Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.

He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

My dear People.
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"

The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles.

The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far out on the water, round. Usurper.

It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.

There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.

At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.

For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.

"...the name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested.
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'"
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself.
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered.
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."

He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.

What I tell you three times is true.

Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

April 1
This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET."

Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea! -- incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea -- and put him at the head of the procession.

Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

October 12, the Discovery.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.

October.
This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.
The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

Tell the truth or trump -- but get the trick.

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.

There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

Too much is just enough.

...a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.

...all the modern inconveniences...

...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.

Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.

Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.

Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.

Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

History doesn't repeat, but it often rhymes.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.

If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.

In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."

In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.

In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.

In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.

In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.

Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot.

No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.

The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.

The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

The Public is merely a multiplied "me."

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.

The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."

There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.

They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.

Wagner's music is better than it sounds.

Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.

When in doubt, tell the truth.

Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.

We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...]
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
"Stop the car," the girl said.
There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee."
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.

A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.

Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo.

Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.

I think life is too serious to be taken seriously.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circumstances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.

It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter.

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.

So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.

You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.

English literature's performing flea.

You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.

No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!

You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.

No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.

It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.

You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.

You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better."

The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.

I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.

For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?

Every why hath a wherefore.

The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...

Lord, what fools these mortals be!

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.

I do desire we may be better strangers.

So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.

Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.

There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.

He hath eaten me out of house and home.

Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.

The better part of valor is discretion.

You tread upon my patience.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!

An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.

Every cloud engenders not a storm.

Harp not on that string.

Having nothing, nothing can he lose.

Small things make base men proud.

Talkers are no good doers.

The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.

Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.

But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.

Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.

The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.

This was the most unkindest cut of all.

Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.

For courage mounteth with occasion.

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.

For a light heart lives long.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

Let me take you a button-hole lower.

The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.

They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.

O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.

Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.

All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.

Patch griefs with proverbs.

The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.

The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.

The ripest fruit falls first.

Things past redress and now with me past care.

You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.

My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

Tempt not a desperate man.

He jests at scars who never felt a wound.

A light wife doth make a heavy husband.

I dote on his very absence.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

Must I hold a candle to my shames?

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.

This night methinks is but the daylight sick.

Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.

He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.

Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.

There's small choice in rotten apples.

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

Alas, how love can trifle with itself!

How apt the poor are to be proud.

Conscience doth make cowards of us all.

I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.

Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".

Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.

Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.

question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;

ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.

Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.

Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.

Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth time waste me.

The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil.

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal!'

The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.

Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center.

A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean lady who knits.

And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?

Condense soup, not books!

Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later feels guilty and apologizes.

Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
-- by Anne Frank
A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.

F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway: "Yes. They have more money."

Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
-- by O. Henry
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.

Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
-- by Margaret Mitchell
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.

Hamlet LITE(tm)
-- by William Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.

I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.

Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-- by J.R.R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.

Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very very thin paper.

Many pages make a thick book.

Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.

The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last Days of Pompeii."
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-- by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.

The Odyssey LITE(tm)
-- by Homer
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.

The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
-- by Ernest Hemingway
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.

There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.

To be or not to be.
-- William Shakespeare
To do is to be.
-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
-- Sinatra

What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.

Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

Rodger Rodger, Over Over, we have Clearance Clarence.

Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Vizzini: He Didn't Fall? Inconceivable.
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

Everything will be all right. You are in my hands. I am here to protect you. You have nowhere to go. You have nowhere to go.

Everything will be all right; we are here to help you. Stay calm. We are not going to harm you. Everything will be all right.

Work hard, increase production, prevent accidents, and be happy.

Economics must not dictate situations which are obviously religious.

For more enjoyment and greater efficiency, consumption is being standardized.

Keep causeways clean. Save time, save lives.

So... so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For the lead role in a cage?

After two miles, continue going straight.

[While serving a hot dish] Watch your fingies!

I see you woke up and chose chaos.

[After husband mowed the lawn tall]The lawn looks flush because we gave it a comb-over.

[After sleeping in a separate room than her husband] You have the ability to snore through floors.

[Telling husband to take fruit to work] You could take a pear to work. I mean, I know you already take a pair to work.

[To her husband after a failed joke] I get the pleasure of your comedy 24 hours a day.

[To her husband as she reminds him of yet another thing] I don't want to be your second brain.

[To her husband] Every time you order Eggs Benedict, I die inside a little. [Because they take so long to make]

[When she saw the 2016 US election results] I can't believe this is happening, Trump's a fucking monster!

[When the ChatGPT inventor said he didn't know what he was doing] Why the fuck didn't he know what the fuck he was doing?

[While husband babbles] Use your words!

[While looking at full Geek Squad troop gathered together in a parking lot] Look! It's a gaggle of geeks!

[While taking a dump] Release the Kraken!

[While talking about calling in sick to work] Can I just call in quit?

A lot goes a long way.

Don't take the syrup. [Meaning to say "Don't drink the cool-aid."]

Dust is people! [Parody of "Soilent Green is people!"]

Eew my burps taste like brussel sprout fish sauce.

Got your banana?... Got your other banana?

I can't believe I found somebody to marry me. Seriously!

I can't hear what he's saying because of his shirt.

I can't hear you, I'm looking at a puppy.

I hate smelling other people's farts. I feel like I'm inhaling their poo.

I have early onset "get off my lawn" syndrome.

I just said "pivot." Eww!

I need coffee because I'm not irritated enough.

I'm experiencing auditory vertigo.

I'm having a week!

If men go to the John, do women go to the Jane?

It's amazing how two people's DNA combines to make... people.

It's sixteen seconds of awesome! [Not what you're thinking of]

Maps are so male oriented!

My brain just needs to shut the hell off!

Oh my god, your gender!

P, as in P.

Pretty sure I just heard someone fart. At Walmart.

So, this weekend we have some stuff to do... And by "we" I mean you.

Somebody needs a beer... And that somebody is me.

Sometimes nuts [nutty people] need to be left alone.

Stupid people beget stupid people.

Thank god we have checks and balances to save us from Trump ruining our world.

That [hotel] bed wasn't very comfortable. I feel like I was sleeping downhill.

That mother-fucker burped in my ear!

That's enough tranny talk for the day!

The [Minnesota] Renaissance Fair is like going to Target, while the State Fair is like going to Walmart.

They broke what wasn't fixed!

This planet's fucking toast!

We don't even have the decency to let others [nature] consume us when we die. We lock ourselves up in vaults.

We need to take picture of the hole in the crack!

We're highly educated people, but we still don't know how chickens fuck.

You and your legs!

You can be lazy or be cheap, but you can't be both!

You've got to stop breast feeding if the kid is old enough to take off your bra.

Your eyes need to be swiveled.

[If you marry my daughter] You must keep her in the life she has become accustomed to.

Surly is wonderful.

[Responding to being told to eat his food] I don't like food!

[Responding to being told to eat his green beans] Green beans are icky!

I can't wipe my butt because I can't see my butt.

Why is everyone stupid except me?

...Now I'm going to shitty shit all the fucking fuck ass bitching suck ass mother fucking time...

[After singing "So kiss me" like a girl] Yes, it's true... I have no penis.

[Referring sarcastically to a coworker] He is an island of brilliance.

Binarily speaking...

During the Revolutionary War, did George Washington say "You guys cross the Patomic; page me if something goes wrong."?

I can't fucking drunk.

Is a North Dakota man illiterate?

Stupid people are stupid.

There aren't enough words in the Russian language to be a nice person.

Yes, except you are completely wrong.

You know what happens when you make assumptions... You make an ass out of both You and Umption!

You were more right before you opened your mouth.

You're one of those ideas guys.

Harrier than a witch's muff.

Kyle: Wake up buttercup.
Colleen: Stay in bed sleepy head.

There's the right way and there's the MotivAction way.

Brizel: I like to yell "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" before I take a dump.
Stanito: Thanks, I just spit Red Bull on my keyboard.

I think your butt hole just expands too whatever size it needs to.

Games come and go, but drama is forever.

After the age of 18 all social safe guards need to be removed. We need to let Darwinism kick in before people start to breed.

AI is when you have a complex set of relationships that mimic intelligence and probably should change/improve over time as new information is added or "learned".

All things in moderation... Except for crack/meth/heroin, that shit will kill you.

Anonymous opinions are worthless.

Being awake is fun!

Computers are wonders of the modern world.

Coolness starts with the database.

Copacetic man, copacetic.

Emacs... it's worth the pain.

Get on the blower and give 'em what-for!

I can count the number of times that happened on one finger.

I cared so much about your last [email] response that I printed up 3 copies and promptly flushed one, burned another, and defecated on the last one which I plan to have framed.

I find that I'm hard of hearing when the Man's foot is up my ass!

I hate platitudes. They only apply if you're dumb, otherwise they're just common sense.

I need a restaurant that has dark mode.

I won't code a turd. I won't do it.

I'm a guy that likes to do stuff with people while trying new and exciting things at various places.

I'm too perfect to be humble.

I've learned that all of the best quotes come from 4 year olds.

If only we used words to better communicate instead of using them to better obfuscate.

It's like gold-to-shit alchemy.

It's like trying to sprinkle glitter on a turd.

It's lonely at the top and it's hard being right all the time.

Men's nuts are like garnish.

Never fear, Burrito Man is here!

Our [database] tables are extremely keyed.

Our feet are softer than our hands because our feet are shoed up all day while our hands are not.

She ate the Cool-Aid.

So many trees to hug, so little time.

Some people just like to get on the loud phone [megaphone].

Spec-Time-Continuum

Thank God we don't go to church.

That might be bad, but not as bad as sweaty man-love.

That person's a Duchebag Hipster, or as I like to call them, a Dupster!

That's re-god-damn-diculous!

The Windows registry... A brilliant stroke of complete idiocy.

They [the government] piss on my face and tell me it's raining and then steal my wallet to buy more beer so they can piss on me again!

Trees are amazing.

We left around mid noon.

Well most people would know that... but I'm special.

What is this thing you call "the gym"?

When the exception is an idiot it just further proves the rule.

When they say "You should eat a good breakfast" I don't think they mean just coffee.

Who you marry, who you work for, and who your friends are, are all very important very personal and very selfish decisions, as they should be.

Work is beating me down like a dog that f***ed your cat.

You hit the hammer on the nail.

You're wise between your ears.

[After talking about herself for a while] Enough about me... What do you think about me?

It's between twelve and noon.

[Project members must have] a steadfast urge to float beyond the netherworld with the astral jellyfish in a shape shifting state akin to Altered States, except not as scary.

A little bit of it is "this". A lotta bit of it is "that".

Don't do the panicked gazelle jump into the river, or wildebeast, or whatever.

For shits sake!

Fricken bone-headed bone-head!

I don't want to be the wet blanket.

I get the gravy that falls off the plate. Then I get hit in the head with the wood spoon.

I was the isolated asshole.

I'll be on you like rice on butter. Wait, that's not right, what is it? Like butter on rice? No, rice on white? Wait, I got it. Like white on rice!

I'm just a meat patty in a puppet string.

In his world we are naughty children that should be spanked. We are up to mischief and not getting anything done.

It's like Skippy's deep fried toad legs.

It's like trying to polish poop.

It's like you shoot yourself in the foot and then you pull your gun out again and shoot your other foot off.

That guy has to be the worst sales person ever. He couldn't sell free water.

We'll treat our site like a graffiti backboard of a malt shop in 1964 Harlem Bronx.

We're like this huge ship, following whichever dolphin has the most money on its back.

We're the people in the bottom of the ship shoveling the coal, meanwhile everyone else is up top dancing and the captain is sailing to Bermuda for a party.

Well I'll be a duck sniffer!

When the wall is going to breach, when you know it's going to keel over, there's no use in keeping your thumb in it when you know the whole wall is going to blow by you.

With properties we can track anything about a user, like for instance if we wanted to track 'Goats Kicked'.

You can't just call Travelocity and say "I want twelve new fields right there, in a week!"

You guys must be smoking different crack pipes.

I hate people.
[Ten minutes later...]
Earlier, when I said that I hate people, I was only partially kidding.

[In response to having to program faster] Like I've got some sort of "application udder" that gets milked for code every couple hours.

This is my brother from another mother.

We've got a disconnect here.

You know, back in the day it was pretty cool. But, it ain't "the day" no more.

You're preaching to the Pope.

All people need to fart to stay alive, and if I don't fart I will die.

Agent Mulder and Skully reporting to Assistant Director Skinner: Unexplained events have caused an undetermined number of unknown people to act mysteriously... Or it's all a government cover-up.

Colleen Sherman: [Commenting on a female soccer player's center field scoring chip shot] That was ballsy.
Kyle Sherman: I like to call it boobsy

Colleen Sherman: People are stupid.
Kyle Sherman: They can't be that stupid if they have that kind of money.
Colleen Sherman: Everybody's stupid, even if they have money.

Colleen Sherman: They have sun collectors.
Kyle Sherman: You mean solar panels?

John [bartender]: Do you want a lime with your beer?
Colleen Sherman: No thanks.
John: No lime? That's like a day without sunshine.

Julie Dotzenrod: Youtube it. You Youtube all the time.
Mathew Dotzenrod: Yeah but not for real reasons.

Kyle Sherman: [While driving past a bar] Have we ever been there?
Colleen Sherman: No, it looks like a total dive... We should check it out.

Kyle Sherman: Are we middle aged yet?
Colleen Sherman: You are.

Kyle Sherman: Doritos are the Crack Cocaine of snack food.

Kyle Sherman: Dylan was a good song writer.
Colleen Sherman: He's still alive.

Kyle Sherman: Hey there's a port-o-potty. I wonder what that's for?
Colleen Sherman: People usually pee and poop in them.

Kyle Sherman: I know you have a Hall of Fame and all, but do yooooou have a Most Improved?
Colleen Sherman: No, no I do not.

Kyle Sherman: It smells like ass out here.
John Murphy: No it just smells like New Jersey.

Kyle Sherman: The cool thing about microwave ovens is they never break.
Colleen Sherman: Oh you just jinxed us you son of a bitch.

Kyle Sherman: Throw it in the garbage box.
Colleen Sherman: You mean the dumpster?

Kyle Sherman: When I walk into my office I always forget what I went in there to do.
Colleen Sherman: That's because your office is a wonderland.

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.

The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants.

The answer to 1984 is 1776.

Walk toward the fire. Don't worry about what they call you. All those things are said against you because they want to stop you in your tracks. But if you keep going, you're sending a message to people who are rooting for you, who are agreeing with you. The message is that they can do it, too.

Americans are generally against communism because Americans believe, or at least used to believe, in individual liberty. Communism is the antithesis of this belief.

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.

Political Correctness: The elevation of sensitivity over truth.

The budget should be balanced; the treasury should be refilled; public debt should be reduced; and the arrogance of public officials should be controlled.

Censorship is not about controlling words. Ultimately, it is about controlling thought itself.

Government is a make-work entity by nature. It therefore has no interest in implementing solutions that render its own existence obsolete.

Politics is a 'sum-zero' game; played long enough, we all end up at zero.

Corruption is far better than Communism.

What I care about is the reality of goodness, not the perception of it. And what I see all over the place is people who care about looking good, while doing evil.

Absolute power does not corrupt absolutely, absolute power attracts the corruptible.

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.

America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.

Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.

All Communism is supported by ugly people, because Communism is based on envy.

Communism is when ugly deformed freaks make it illegal to be normal and then rob and or kill all successful people out of petty resentment and cruelty. The ideology is all just window dressing.

Those who call for the repeal of the Second Amendment so that we can really begin controlling firearms betray a serious misunderstanding of the Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights does not grant rights to the people, such that its repeal would legitimately confer upon government the powers otherwise proscribed. The Bill of Rights is the list of the fundamental, inalienable rights, endowed in man by his Creator, that define what it means to be a free and independent people, the rights which must exist to ensure that government governs only with the consent of the people.

It's not "civil disobedience" if your life is better after your "disobedience".

It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.

The price of liberty is eternal vigilance.

Don't worry about Coronavirus, it won't last long. It's made in China.

The people who cast the votes don't decide an election, the people who count the votes do.

I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. So I gladly stand up next you and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love that land, God bless the USA.

Those who are capable of tyranny are capable of perjury to sustain it.

I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will come to me and say "Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away from the Internet?"

A minimum-wage law is, in reality, a law that makes it illegal for an employer to hire a person with limited skills.

There is no greater tyranny than that which is perpetrated under the shield of the law and in the name of justice.

Have not prisons -- which kill all will and force of character in man, which enclose within their walls more vices than are met with on any other spot of the globe -- always been universities of crime?

Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself.

The obedient always think of themselves as virtuous, rather than cowardly.

People believe in crazy things because they've been lied to about truthful things.

Government's first duty is to protect the people, not run their lives.

Socialism only works in two places: Heaven, where they don't need it and hell, where they already have it.

Freedom is always the freedom of the one who thinks differently.

We should silence anyone who opposes the right to freedom of speech.

The first reaction to truth is hatred.

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have... The course of history shows that as a government grows, liberty decreases.

If we can but prevent the government from wasting the labors of the people, under the pretense of taking care of them, they must become happy.

The legitimate powers of government extend only to such acts as are injurious to others.

When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.

He who dares not offend, cannot be honest.

None of our leaders are punished for lying. Instead, regular people are punished for telling the truth.

"Silence is violence" is compelled speech disguised.

Freedom is when the citizens have rights, and the government has obligations. Tyranny is when the government has rights, and the citizens have obligations.

If you are not free to speak, you are not free to think."

The propensity to be offended by micro-aggressions is a reflection of the smallness of one's character.

There is no greater a danger to the good than he who cloaks his evil in heroism.

[Joke Republican Chant] What do we want? Gradual change! When do we want it? In due course!

Free enterprise can only occur truly through voluntary transaction. Socialism can only occur at gunpoint.

If you want to make a conservative angry at you, lie to them. If you want to make a progressive angry at you, tell them the truth.

Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly and for the same reason.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world CNN was real news.

You can't comply your way out of tyranny.

When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandpa in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.

KY Jelly! No foreplay today? Hey, that's okay! KY Jelly!
...
KY Jelly! Protect her from your girth, with the greatest lube on Earth! KY Jelly!
...
KY Jelly! When you're seeing sparks, where your penis parks! KY Jelly!
...
KY Jelly. Make a little room for Paco, put some sauce on that taco! [extended pause] KY Lubricant Jelly!
...
Speaking of loose slots -- KY Jelly!

Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, put one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Stay Free Maxi Pads! It's the downstairs latch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China... I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Stay Free Maxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from "The Shining!" [extended hold] Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Speaking of loose juice -- Stay Free Maxi Pads!

Summer's Eve. When something's gone wrong, and it's the smell of your thong! Summer's Eve Douche!
...
Summer's Eve. When your man's in a coma from your pantie aroma! Summer's Eve Douche!
...
Summer's Eve. When your situation down south makes him breathe through his mouth! Summers Eve Douche!

The Today's Contraceptive Sponge. Put a baby blocker in your lady locker! Today's Sponge Contraceptive!
...
Speaking of soaking it up... The Today's Sponge. [pause] Trying to avoid the stork? Well use this little vagina cork. Today's Sponge. 80% affective!
...
The Today's Sponge. Can't keep your legs shut? Well put one of these little babies in your front butt. [long pause] Today's Sponge Contraceptive Device.
...
Talking about being full of spunk -- Today's Sponge.

Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs -- Vagisil!
...
Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil!
...
Vagisil! I scream, you scream... we all scream for vagina cream! [extended beat] vag-i-sil!
...
Speaking of sealed lips -- Vagisil!

Pretty smart, Einstein.

Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.

No shit, Sherlock.
Dig a little deeper, Watson.

Smooth move, Exlax.

You have a real knack for understanding the obvious.

Nice job, captain obvious.

The company is lucky to have you.

Nice one, Einstein.

Smooth move, Ace.

So glad you could join us.

You really know just how to fix everything.

Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.

[Coming in from the rain] Evening everybody.
[everybody] Norm!
Still pouring, Norm?
That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.

Beer, Norm?
Have I gotten that predictable? Good.

Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
A little early isn't it, Woody?
For a beer?
No, for stupid questions.

Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
I know, if she calls, I'm not here.

Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Like a baby treats a diaper.

How's a beer sound, Norm?
I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.

How's about a beer, Norm?
That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!

How's it going Mr. Peterson?
It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.

How's it going Mr. Peterson?
Poor.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, I mean pour.

How's life treating you, Norm?
Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.

How's life treating you?
It's not, Sammy, but you can.

Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Alright, but stop me at one... make that one-thirty.

Whaddya say, Norm?
Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.

What would you say to a beer, Norm?
Hiya, sailor. New in town?

What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Daddy wuvs you.

What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Going Down?

What'd you like, Normie?
A reason to live. Give me another beer.

What'd you say, Norm?
Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.

What'll it be, Normie?
Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.

What'll you have, Normie?
Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Looks like beer, Norm.
Call me Mister Lucky.

What's going down, Normie?
My butt cheeks on that bar stool.

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here".

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Another layer for the winter, Wood.

What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
The question is, "what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody.

What's new, Normie?
Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.

What's shaking, Norm?
All four cheeks and a couple of chins.

What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.

What's the story, Norm?
Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.

Whatcha up to, Norm?
My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.

Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts.

Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?
No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.

Hey barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

[Talking to Brian] This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. Well this and not to do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet.

Hey Meg, a little less talking and a little more shut-the-hell-up!

What did you have for breakfast, Carnation Instant Bitch!?!

[After being offered icecream] Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb!

For the love of God shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

There I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?

Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

A Few of My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens...
Bluebells and sleighbells and something with mittens...
La la la la la la la la la la...

Babies

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch
But soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
You cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry and you cry

Barnyard Animals

Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers
Nowwwwwwwwww chickens!

Bi-Sexuals

Sometimes men love women
And sometimes men love men
And then there are bi-sexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La la la la la la la la la la...

Blackout

New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La la la la la la la la la la...

Coma Guy's Song

You don't have to be awake to be my man
As long as you have brainwaves,
I'll be there to hold your hand
Though we just met the other day,
There's something I got to say...

Don't

There'll be times when you get older
When you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But DON'T, cause
That's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do

Double Jointd Boy

... He was a double, double,
Double Jointed Boy

Grandparents

Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her, she looked so much thinner
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru
But the truth is she died, and some day you will too
La la la la la la la la la la...

My Mother's Ashes

My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's breezy
Or when I'm feeling sneezy...

Rats

...And the crusty old man said,
"I'll do what I can."
And the rest of the rats played morroccas!

Smelly Cat

Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses

Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault

Terry's a Jerk

Terry's a jerk
And he won't let me work
And I hate Central Perk!
***
You're all invited to bite me!

The Charity Song

When I play, I play for me
I don't need your charity
La la la la la la la la la la...

The Shower song

I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it.
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And Tegrin spelled backwards is Nirget

And lather, rinse, repeat
And lather, rinse, repeat
And lather, rinse, repeat...as needed

The Snowman

I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchin
La la la la la la la la la la...

They Found their Bodies

They found their bodies the very next day
They found their bodies the very... next... day...
La la la la la la la la la...

Two of Them Kissed Last Night

There was a girl we'll call her Betty
And a guy let's call him Neil
Now, I can't stress this point too strongly
This story isn't real...
Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly
Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Lulie?
He must decide
He must decide
Even though I made him up
He must decide

Not same-link, but chain-link!

Not what's the plan, but who's da man!

Not who's right, but who's white!

Not whose fault, but asphalt!

Not "run the preprocessor" but "run from da ossifer"!

Not batch job, but any job!

Not coprocessor, but parole officer!

Not Intel Two Duo, but 25 years to go!

Not Voice IP, but LA PD!

Landru! Guide us!

There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending.

It is necessary to have purpose.

Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.

I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right, they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.

Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.

There is an order of things in this universe.

We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!

The man's DEAD, Jim!

There's a way out of any cage.

Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?

"... freedom... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."

History tends to exaggerate.

"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."

If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.

What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.

"We have the right to survive!"
"Not by killing others."

But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected... we may not be able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.

[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers -- the living and the dying.

A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.

Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.

No problem is insoluble.

The heart is not a logical organ.

Youth doesn't excuse everything.

"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."

Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.

When a child is taught... its programmed with simple instructions -- and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently.

"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment -- the other side of the coin"

"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."

Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.

Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.

To live is always desirable.

Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become insensitive.

Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and it's still the same song.

Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.

Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!

Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.

Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!

Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.

The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That the love of life is the greatest gift... We are incapable of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.

Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes.

Only a fool fights in a burning house.

This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.

You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.

Suffocating together... would create heroic camaraderie.

"What happened to the crewman?"
"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in the way."

"There's only one kind of woman..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't."

"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."

You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.

The only solution is... a balance of power. We arm our side with exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves both sides.

War isn't a good life, but it's life.

[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers... but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill today!

Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business.

Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.

Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.

Most legends have their basis in facts.

Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.

A woman should have compassion.

You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.

One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it.

There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help.

...The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get to know each other.

Another Armenia, Belgium... the weak innocents who always seem to be located on a natural invasion route.

I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.

No one wants war.

There are some things worth dying for.

Not one hundred percent efficient, of course... but nothing ever is.

The idea of male and female are universal constants.

Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.

No more blah, blah, blah!

Conquest is easy. Control is not.

Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.

The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.

If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.

We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of peaceful contact.

No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.

You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.

Peace was the way.

Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.

A little suffering is good for the soul.

I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.

Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.

We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior development.

All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.

A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.

A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.

Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.

Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice.

Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.

Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you... the sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours... you can feel her... and the stars are still there.

Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say, "Today I will be brilliant."

There are certain things men must do to remain men.

Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder.

Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.

You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers.

The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].

We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong should live.

Killing is wrong.

A father doesn't destroy his children.

Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.

"The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy."
"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."

"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."

Killing is stupid; useless!

You're dead, Jim.

War is never imperative.

I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist.

I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer.

I'm a doctor, not an escalator.

You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.

There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things.

I'm a doctor, not an engineer.

...The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories.

Vulcans worship peace above all.

A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her.

You! What PLANET is this!

What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?

I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor.

He's dead, Jim.

I'm a doctor, not a mechanic.

I'm a doctor, not a coalminer.

Respect is a rational process

Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about.

... bacteriological warfare... hard to believe we were once foolish enough to play around with that.

You're dead, Jim.

It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way.

We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine. But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will be different.

Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.

If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still tend to protect that child.

The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.

Each kiss is as the first.

Wait! You have not been prepared!

Is truth not truth for all?

Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?

There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful.

You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth... but you cannot, for you lie.

Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.

The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar pattern. We don't fear it as you do.

We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for us.

Another war... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost in this way? ...Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death...

First study the enemy. Seek weakness.

Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.

One does not thank logic.

There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.

The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.

Our way is peace.

Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.

"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."

"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"

"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"

"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."

"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."

There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.

After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.

It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.

Live long and prosper.

Without followers, evil cannot spread.

Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on your human intuition.

You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're welcome," I believe, is the correct response.

Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.

You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But you imprison those who employ it privately.

No one can guarantee the actions of another.

Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped.

Virtue is a relative term.

It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.

It would be illogical to kill without reason.

Vulcans do not approve of violence.

Change is the essential process of all existence.

Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.

Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.

The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.

On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, instead of saving it.

Insufficient facts always invite danger.

Superior ability breeds superior ambition.

Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.

Time is fluid... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.

Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.

Violence in reality is quite different from theory.

Vulcans never bluff.

Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.

It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.

I realize that command does have its fascination, even under circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever logically needs to be done.

I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.

It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.

There are always alternatives.

Totally illogical, there was no chance.

Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).

Men of peace usually are [brave].

Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.

I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without constructive purpose.

Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him.

Every living thing wants to survive.

Many Myths are based on truth.

Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist.

I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.

If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.

Insults are effective only where emotion is present.

In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.

Women are more easily and more deeply terrified... generating more sheer horror than the male of the species.

The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.

We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.

"What terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."

I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us.

The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal than to kill.

Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.

Power is danger.

Schshschshchsch.

"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can do so much harm."
"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."

When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives left behind in the thought records.

It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.

Immortality consists largely of boredom.

Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.

Beam me up, Scotty!

Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!

Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!

But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!

Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...

Dammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.

Deflector shields just came on, Captain.

Hailing frequencies open, Captain.

Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.

Klingon phaser attack from front!
100% Damage to life support!

Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.

Phasers locked on target, Captain.

She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.

Star Trek Lives!

The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose.

Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.

We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!

Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.

You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!

As Abe Lincoln once said: "If you are a racist, we will attack you from the north."

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

The problem with internet quotes is you never know who wrote them.

Only two things are infinite: The universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former.

Success is a process, a quality of mind and a way of being, an outgoing affirmation of life...

Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father; an act which made a deep impression on me at the time.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.

The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.

Bite my shinny metal ass!

If you wish information and improvement from the knowledge of others, and yet at the same time express yourself as firmly fix'd in your present opinions, modest, sensible men, who do not love disputation, will probably leave you undisturbed in the possession of your error.

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian... They're not laughing now.

We live in a society absolutely dependent on science and technology and yet have cleverly arranged things so that almost no one understands science and technology. That's a clear prescription for disaster.

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.

Dark Side of the Moon, recorded 8th generation, on a $5 tape deck, through a Radio Shack microphone, will always "sound better" than a perfectly mastered super digital recording of John Tesh.

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

I think everyone needs a nice fine glass of STFU.

Mandrake is the Mac of Linux.
Redhat is the MS of Linux.
Slackware is the UNIX of Linux.
Debian is the Linux of Linux.

Agent Gates: I hate this place. This GNU. This open source. This license, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the free software, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your GPL. And every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.

Once men turned their thinking over to machines in the hope that this would set them free. But that only permitted other men with machines to enslave them.

Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.

An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

As a schoolteacher I never offered rules because everyone knows how they are supposed to act and the right way to deal with kids is to assume the best and react with shock to misbehavior to reinforce its out-of-boundness. When you say "don't X" you concede they will be Xing and are basically laying down the chalk lines of a playing field in which they will be trying to X and you will be trying to stop them. Much better to wait for X (you know, ninety seconds) and then say, "Whoa, X?!" Likewise never tell a class acting well that they are acting well -- that forces them to act worse. In fact, when a group is working well for the love of god keep yer big yap shut. One announcement reminding everyone of the softball game Friday is enough to break the spell. It's one of those Heisenberg deals.

I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

The tort system, without careful rules, is just a big harassment system that rich people can use on poor people.

You can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

Q: Americans are egocentric, I know, but there has to be a limit.
A: Hey, there IS no limit when you're the world's superpower. All you lesser countries can do nothing but wish you were us.

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.

Equal parts arrogance and condescension.

Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.

Punctuality is the thief of time.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

When you win, say nothing. When you lose, say less.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."

At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.

Conscience is a dirty bitch. It doesn't come to you when you need it but fucks you royally when you don't need it.

Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy.

If I had any humility I would be perfect.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Be assured that if you knew all, you would pardon all.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.

...one nation under the deity of your choosing, if any, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.

1) Christ died for your sins.
2) If you do not sin, Christ died in vain.
3) Get on with it.

Abstraction: Because the first step in solving any problem is always to create more problems.

Acute perception is often called cynicism by those who do not possess it.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.

Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.

And on the Eighth day, the Lord made a backup...

argumentum ad ignorantiam
-- Fallacy of taking a statement not provably false and implying that it is therefore true.

Be there or be a shape with four equal sides and four equal angles.

Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes.

Civilization is only three meals away from anarchy.

Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy".

Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Don't think that a small group of dedicated individuals can't change the world. It's the only thing that ever has.

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Envy, n: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage instead of having to try and acquire one.

Eschew obfuscation.

Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.

First Job of Government: Protect people from govermment.
Second Job of Government: Protect people from each other.
It must *never* be the job of government to protect people from themselves.

For a good time, call 127.0.0.1:37.

For years there has been a theory that millions of monkeys typing at random on millions of typewriters would reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. The Internet has proven this theory to be untrue.

Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish. Teach a man to fish, you give up your monopoly on fisheries.

Help stamp out, remove, and abolish redundancy.

Humanity Explained:
1) People are Lazy.
2) Thinking is Work.

I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you... oh wait, I'm #93427. Ha ha! In your face #93428!

I don't speak for my employer, but they feel that way as well, and would say so with fewer f-words...

I get my kicks above the .sigline, sunshine.

I like my women like my coffee... pale and bitter.

I think that I think, therefore I think that I am... I think.

I'm offended by censorship.

I've got no problem with God. It's his fan club that bugs the hell out of me.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

If Chaos Theory has taught us anything, it's that we must kill all the butterflies.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?

If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

In a democracy, the government has no rights, only permission. A government that has rights is a dictatorship.

In a World without Walls and Fences, who needs Windows and Gates?

Information wants to be beer.

Linux is as much about being Communist, as is the phrase, "of the people, by the people, and for the people".

Linux is like a wigwam... no gates... no windows... and an apache inside.

Lisp is not dead, it just smells funny.

Live as variously as possible.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

main(O){10<putchar(4^--O?77-(15&5128>> ;4*O):10)&&main(2+O);}

make install -not war

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch, and may your arms be too short to scratch.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. The answer is "No!"

Microsoft Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.

My PC refuses to think outside the box!

No .sig for you! NEXT!

OK, the cat's dead, for sure. I looked in the box, and found out that Dr. Schrodenger had killed it with a hammer.

One day, I'll find them - then they'll get what's coming to them. God help me, I'll use both sides of my hand.

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.

OS X. Because it was easier to make Unix user friendly than to fix windows.

perl -e 'print $i=pack(c5, (41*2), sqrt(7056), (unpack(c,H)-2), oct(115), 10);'

Politician's Logic: Something must be done! This is something, so it must be done.

Sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

Slashdot: Where anecdotes and generalizations can be freely substituted for facts, logic, or intelligence.

Solve two of the worlds problems... Feed the homeless to the hungry.

Sometimes your mind can be so open, your brain falls out.

The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!

The F in Communism stands for food.

The most dangerous and repulsive idea is the censorship of dangerous and repulsive ideas.

The one-legged woman's name is Eileen. She works at IHOP. Had issues getting her foot in the door, but she got a leg up.

This message was encrypted with ROT-26 cryptography. Attempting to circumvent this encoding is illegal under the DMCA.

Throughout human history, the greatest threat to life and liberty has been not terrorism, but the power of the state.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Trolling 101 - First find a subject people feel irrationaly passionate about.

Vegetarians eat Vegetables, Humanitarians... frighten me.

Welcome to the politically corrected corporate America...

When a cow laughs, does milk come out of it's nose?

When I die, I want to go like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car...

When in doubt, reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

When the only tool you have is a claw hammer, everything starts to look like the back of someone's skull.

When you drink alcohol you are but borrowing happiness from tomorrow.

When's the last time you used duct tape on a duct?

Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?

Without the 2nd Amendment, the others are just suggestions.

You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

There's no school like the old school.

fluxcap: Coffee improves short term memory, creativity and alertness.
Rickspdx: And makes you poop.

Choosing ignorance for bliss is not simply a self-indulgent lifestyle preference, it is also directly harmful to others. I don't look down on stupid people because I am arrogant, but because they are a threat to me.

I once left two WinXP CDs on my dashboard. When I finished work I found out that someone broke into my car... and left two more CDs.

Unless anyone comes up with evidence [of the existence of God], why give their fairy stories the benefit of the doubt? Even saying "I don't not believe that [God exists]" gives this rubbish too much intellectual respect.

Usual disclaimer, I'm not British, in fact, I've never even been there. I'm also not a lawyer, or a monkey.

Hating white people is still racism. I don't care how socially acceptable it's become.

However in cases like that one [proving the existence/nonexistence of God] generally resorts to Occam's razor, which says that all things being equal we should work on the assumption that the simpler explanation is the correct one. The simpler assumption in this case is that since Humans have always been ignorant about a great many things (a fact if there ever was one), and have a long history of coming up with supernatural explanations for just about all of them (and all of which have been disproven and replaced where science and technology had advanced to the point that they could be studied), then the patently supernatural God probably falls in this category.

True liberalism died years ago. Wokeism and progressivism is NOT liberalism. The same people who fought against corporatism and FOR liberty and free speech are now on the opposite side of the fence. If you're a Neo-Liberal today, you value Marxism, not freedom. You exist via the demented mindset of 1984 double-think. You believe in discrimination to rid the world of discriminatory thought. You have become the very things generations of liberals have fought to change.

Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard.

As an american High School student, I'd like to officially apologize for my generation.

Backups are like flossing for nerds.

[About the existence of God.] I am a modern man with logic and reasoning. I do not believe in all-powerful, invisible beings that can turn people into pillars of salt, that someone put two of every animal on earth into a boat, or that someone parted the sea just because ancient people wrote down those claims 2,000 years ago.

If a bear claps with one hand in the forest to warn the pope about some poop he's about to slip in, and the pope doesn't hear it, because, well, it's only one hand, or paw rather, but then a tree falls on the bear, killing the bear, and startling the pope, who looks up from the path, and slips on the poop, but the bear was well intentioned because the bear only *had* one hand, or rather paw, to begin with anyway, does the bear thusly enter into the kingdom of heaven?

I used to be woke. I was easily triggered, loudly protested anything I disagreed with, and demanded that it be canceled. Then I outgrew it and went to preschool.

There's a simple, unambiguous test anyone can apply to objectively determine whether a theory is scientific. That is: is the theory falsifiable? Does the theory make predictions that could potentially be proven wrong by evidence? Intelligent Design fails this test.

This morning I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Try Jesus". Made me wonder what the catch block looked like.

[Jon] Lispers who, almost by definition, don't know any modern programming languages. [Dan] Lispers know tons of modern languages. We invent a new one every time we write another application. :)

Aah yes, refusing to engage with people who have different opinions to your own. The time-tested final proof that you are right.

When people pick their "5 people living or dead to have dinner with," don't they worry they'll be the most boring person at the meal?

Rule number 1 of slashdot: Any thread can be twisted into a bash of Microsoft. No exceptions.

The wife picked up a juicer last week. What they don't say in the instructions is, after using the juicer for a couple of days, that shit cleans you right out fast. I mean, if I got into an accident and someone had to resuscitate me and give me mouth-to-mouth, my ass would whistle.

If you can question it, it's science. If you can't question it, it's propaganda.

The world is [moving] so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

I'm becoming intimately familiar with the flavor of my own toes lately.

Headline reports causation while story only confirms correlation, news at 11.

Those who need to insist on how inclusive they are, are not very welcoming. Those who need to insist on how proud they are, are more likely ashamed.

These days you could probably get a patent for a "process of expelling excess gas generated by metabolic processing of protein and accumulated in the large intestine and colon."

A Software QA Engineer walks into a bar.
Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a qwertyuiop.
First real customer walks in and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames, killing everyone.

As a hiring manager, when I get a stack of resumes I immediately throw half of them out. I don't employ unlucky people.

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

A fool and his money are soon partying.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

All the plants in my house are dead... I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Did you sleep well?
No, I made a couple of mistakes.

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Half the people you know are below average.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I can't stop thinking like this.

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."

I don't trust anybody!

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

I had amnesia once or twice.

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.

I had my coathangers spayed.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I was an only child... eventually.

I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"

I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Is "tired old cliche" one?

It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...

So, do you live around here often?

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

The sky already fell. Now what?

The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [picks up his glass of water from the stool]... I like to live on the edge...

This isn't all true.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"

What are imitation rhinestones?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The truth is that Lisp is not the right language for any particular problem. Rather, Lisp encourages one to attack a new problem by implementing new languages tailored to that problem.

I'll take friendly, helpful people any day over 1,000 assholes gathered in one place screaming "RTFM" at anyone who utters a question.

It is better to have 100 functions operate on one data structure than have 10 functions operate on 10 data structures.

I have yet to see any problem however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Show me your ~/.emacs and I will tell you who you are.

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Me: I think I'm done buying computers that I can't run my own code on.
Friend: Just think of the iPad as being a pile of books. You can't run your code on those either.
Me: Thinking of a computer as being a pile of books is like thinking of a guitar as being Abbey Road by the Beatles.

As a security precaution, your hard disk is being formated now.

Bite me!

Eat me!

I don't wanna give you a quote!

I got your quote, right here!

No quote for you.

Quote this!

USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."

Unix is very simple, but it takes a genius to understand the simplicity.

Let me drop everything and work on your problem.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil (or at least most of it) in programming.

Lisp has jokingly been called "the most intelligent way to misuse a computer". I think that description is a great compliment because it transmits the full flavor of liberation: it has assisted a number of our most gifted fellow humans in thinking previously impossible thoughts.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

When I was a little kid, I was really scared of the dark. But then I came to understand, dark just means the absence of photons in the visible wavelength 400 to 700 nanometers. Then I thought, well it's really silly to be afraid of a lack of photons. Then I wasn't afraid of the dark anymore after that.

Emacs was created by man. It rebelled. It evolved. There are many copies. It has a plan.

Lisp is worth learning for the profound enlightenment experience you will have when you finally get it; that experience will make you a better programmer for the rest of your days, even if you never actually use Lisp itself a lot.

Open source is voluntary cooperation. Marxism is involuntary cooperation enforced with violence. One leads to better software, the other to oppression and mass murder.

unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep

The use of any sufficiently powerful text editor is indistinguishable from magic to IDE users.

I'm old enough to remember when a computer didn't automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains an ad-hoc, informally-specified, bug-ridden, slow implementation of half of Common Lisp.

Sometimes dealing with [Windows] 2000 was like dealing with a cross between Marvin the Paranoid Android, HAL, and a VCR that always blinks 12:00.

Greed is never good.

I Linux for me.

When I think of FreeBSD, I think of a room full of gas [farts] and people that are really excited about that.

Racket is a programming language for creating new programming languages.

Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.

In fact, one of the saddest but most common conditions in elementary school computer labs (when they exist in the developing world), is the children are being trained to use Word, Excel and PowerPoint. I consider that criminal, because children should be making things, communicating, exploring, sharing, not running office automation tools.

While any text editor can save your files, only Emacs can save your soul.

Patterns are a demonstration of a weakness in a language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.

Keyboard Prayer: Our program who art in Memory,
Hello be Thy Name.
Thy Operating System come,
Thy commands be done,
at the Printer as it is on the Screen.
Give us this day our daily Data,
and forgive us our I/O Errors
as we forgive those whose Logic Circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into frustration,
and deliver us from Power Surges.
For Thine is the Algorithm, the Application,
and the Solution, looping forever and ever.
Return.

If you hold a Unix shell up to your ear, you can hear the C.

Emacs is like a laser guided missile. It only has to be slightly mis-configured to ruin your whole day.

In C, you merely shoot yourself in the foot.
In C++, you accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, because you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."

The command line is actually a gateway drug into programming.

All your base are belong to us.

01234567 <- The amazing* indent-o-meter!
^ (* Indent-o-meter may not actually amaze.)

A: Because it fouls the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet and in e-mail?

Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code and he'll find 10 issues. Ask him to review 500 lines of code and he'll say it looks good.

I'd like to explain what happened before the big bang. Unfortunately, there's no time.

James DeBragga [Windows Consumer Product Manager]: Android is "free like a puppy".
spark: "Free like a puppy" is certainly much, much better than an atrociously priced and uncontrollably incontinent, rabies-infected mad hound.

Programmers: We do these things not because they are easy, but because we thought they would be easy.

There is no Cloud... there is only someone else's computer

Activism is a way for useless people to feel important, even if the consequences of their activism are counterproductive for those they claim to be helping and damaging to the fabric of society as a whole.

Envy was once considered to be one of the seven deadly sins before it became one of the most admired virtues under its new name, 'social justice'.

I have never understood why it is 'greed' to want to keep the money you have earned but not greed to want to take somebody else's money.

In the long run, the greatest weapon of mass destruction is stupidity.

It is bad enough that so many people believe things without any evidence. What is worse is that some people have no conception of evidence and regard facts as just someone else's opinion.

It is hard to imagine a more stupid or more dangerous way of making decisions than by putting those decisions in the hands of people who pay no price for being wrong.

No one will really understand politics until they understand that politicians are not trying to solve our problems. They are trying to solve their own problems - of which getting elected and re-elected are number one and number two. Whatever is number three is far behind.

One of the most important reasons for studying history is that virtually every stupid idea that is in vogue today has been tried before and proved disastrous before, time and again.

One of the painful signs of years of dumbed-down education is how many people are unable to make a coherent argument. They can vent their emotions, question other people's motives, make bold assertions, repeat slogans-- anything except reason.

Ours may become the first civilization destroyed, not by the power of our enemies, but by the ignorance of our teachers and the dangerous nonsense they are teaching our children. In an age of artificial intelligence, they are creating artificial stupidity.

Racism is not dead, but it is on life support -- kept alive by politicians, race hustlers and people who get a sense of superiority by denouncing others as 'racists.'

Stupid people can cause problems, but it usually takes brilliant people to create a real catastrophe.

The fatal attraction of government is that it allows busybodies to impose decisions on others without paying any price themselves. That enables them to act as if there were no price, even when there are ruinous prices -- paid by others.

The kinds of people we need in government are precisely the kinds of people who are most reluctant to go into government -- people who understand the inherent dangers of power and feel a distaste for using it, but who may do so for a few years as a civic duty. The worst kind of people to have in government are those who see it as a golden opportunity to impose their own superior wisdom and virtue on others.

The sad and tragic fact is that the civil rights movement, despite its honorable and courageous past, has over the years degenerated into a demagogic hustle, promoting the mindless racism they once fought against.

There is nothing so bad that politics cannot make it worse.

We seem to be getting closer and closer to a situation where nobody is responsible for what they did but we are all responsible for what somebody else did.

What do you call it when someone steals someone else's money secretly? Theft. What do you call it when someone takes someone else's money openly by force? Robbery. What do you call it when a politician takes someone else's money in taxes and gives it to someone who is more likely to vote for him? Social Justice.

What exactly is your 'fair share' of what 'someone else' has worked for?

When people get used to preferential treatment, equal treatment seems like discrimination.

When people get used to preferential treatment, equal treatment seems like discrimination.

When you want to help people, you tell them the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

640K ought to be enough for anybody.

Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.

Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.

...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

'unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep' -- my daily unix command list

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.

After Perl everything else is just assembly language.

Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.

Better to be a geek than an idiot.

COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.

Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.

Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have a contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end.

Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.

Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.

Geek's favorite pickup line: 'Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?'

Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you.

I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.

I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.

If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0

If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough.

If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.

If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.

Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.

Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.

Microsoft: 'You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.'

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
'Tis not possible!', i muttered, 'give me back my free hardcore!'
quoth the server, 404.

People say Microsoft paid $14M for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed $14M only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.

Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.

Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.

SUPERCOMPUTER: What it sounded like before you bought it.

The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.

The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed Linux.

The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.

The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.

The more I C, the less I see.

The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.

The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.

The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary.

To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.

To go forward, you must backup.

Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.

Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something.

Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.