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Adam Carolla
Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
— Adam Carolla
California is like the hot blond high school chick who's been getting by on her looks, but now she's 45 and falling apart.
— Adam Carolla
I feel like I'm a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
— Adam Carolla
Lets not focus on saving a nickel... lets focus on making a buck.
— Adam Carolla
No one is depressed when they're being chased by a bear.
— Adam Carolla
The world is a snow globe filled with cat shit and retards and someone keeps shaking it.
— Adam Carolla
Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you're gay.
— Adam Carolla
Welfare is monetary methadone.
— Adam Carolla
What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we now settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
— Adam Carolla
When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
— Adam Carolla
Not all who drink energy drinks are douches, but all douches drink energy drinks.
— Alison Rosen
The most humane thing one can do for the poor, is to make them uncomfortable in their poverty.
— Ben Franklin
Adult-o
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.
— Dana Gould
It's been swell, but the swelling has gone down.
— Sysop [Champions Online]
I like my coffee like I like my women... ground up and in the freezer.
I patented screwing your mom. But it got revoked for "prior art".
Religion is like a penis.
It's fine to have one.
It’s fine to be proud of it.
But please don’t whip it out in public and start waving it around,
And please don’t try to shove it down my children’s throats.
Fortunes
It's a very *UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
— Churchy La Femme
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
— George Gobel
Please don't assume Lisp is only useful for Animation and Graphics, AI, Bioinformatics, B2B and E-Commerce, Data Mining, EDA/Semiconductor applications, Expert Systems, Finance, Intelligent Agents, Knowledge Management, Mechanical CAD, Modeling and Simulation, Natural Language, Optimization, Research, Risk Analysis, Scheduling, Telecom, and Web Authoring just because these are the only things they happened to list.
— Kent M. Pitman
Don't Worry, Be Happy.
— Meher Baba
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
— Rich Kulawiec
A day for firm decisions! Or is it?
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon.
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat.
Advancement in position.
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Are you a turtle?
Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
Are you making all this up as you go along?
Are you sure the back door is locked?
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Be careful! Is it classified?
Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Be different: Conform.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it.
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
Beware of Bigfoot!
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware the one behind you.
Blow it out your ear.
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
Bridge ahead. Pay troll.
Buy the negatives at any price.
Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Chess tonight.
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Chicken Little was right.
Cold hands, no gloves.
Communicate! It can't make things any worse.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
Do not overtax your powers.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't get to bragging.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Don't plan any hasty moves. You'll be evicted soon anyway.
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Give him an evasive answer.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
Go to a movie tonight. Darkness becomes you.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can.
If you can read this, you're too close.
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Is this really happening?
It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
It was all so different before everything changed.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.
Just to have it is enough.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep it short for pithy sake.
Lady Luck brings added income today. Lady friend takes it away tonight.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Let me put it this way: Today is going to be a learning experience.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Long life is in store for you.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
Never give an inch!
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
Never reveal your best argument.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
People are beginning to notice you. Try dressing before you leave the house.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Questionable day. Ask somebody something.
Reply hazy, ask again later.
Save energy: Be apathetic.
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
Slow day. Practice crawling.
Snow Day -- stay home.
So this it it. We're going to die.
So you're back... about time...
Someone is speaking well of you.
Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Stay the curse.
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
The time is right to make new friends.
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
There is a fly on your nose.
There was a phone call for you.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
This life is yours. Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today is what happened to yesterday.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
Truth will out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
What happened last night can happen again.
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
You are always busy.
You are as I am with You.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fairminded, just and loving.
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
You are number 6! Who is number one?
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. Therefore you have few friends.
You are sick, twisted and perverted. I like that in a person.
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
You are standing on my toes.
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
You are the only person to ever get this message.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
You dialed 5483.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have Egyptian flu: You're going to be a mummy.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE."
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
You look tired.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it!
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.
You need more time; and you probably always will.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You now have Asian Flu.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.
You should go home.
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You teach best what you most need to learn.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be dead within a year.
You will be divorced within a year.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
You will be married within a year.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be run over by a beer truck.
You will be run over by a bus.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be successful in love.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will contract a rare disease.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a fattening action.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will gain money by an immoral action.
You will get what you deserve.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pay for your sins. If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
You'll be sorry...
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
You're definitely on their list. The question to ask next is what list it is.
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.
You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You're working under a slight handicap. You happen to be human.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your love life will be... interesting.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
Your step will soil many countries.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
Forums-o
You can't heal stupidity.
— [Unrepentant Saying]
I'm not saying that elf girls are sluts or anything, but have you ever seen a half-dwarf or half-halfling?
— Aethyre [Unrepentant]
Some people say the world is almost completely full of honest people. I prefer to say the world is completely full of almost honest people.
— Aura [Unrepentant]
Then we can fly around space Sharting.
— CarlosSpiceyWiener [Unrepentant]
I agree to disagree to agree that we agree to disagree.
— Cisco Carnage [MechWarrior Online]
"... our cybersex was both steamy, and oddly tender. Afterward, we cyberspooned, and he/she even agreed to lay in the digital wet spot."
— Dao Jones [Unrepentant]
I'm casually hardcore, and a hardcore casual.
— Dao Jones [Unrepentant]
I'm going to go all W.T. Sherman on you, Harp.
— Fosco [Unrepentant Guild Member]
How much surgery does a man have to have, to turn himself into a woman before another man isn't gay for having sex with them?
— Harken [Unrepentant]
Dear God/Allah/Yahweh/Buddha/Joe Pesci/Flying Spaghetti Monster/Raptor Jesus please let us into the PS2 Beta to purge infidels and spread your light. In Uey the pantsless harbinger of the hangover's name we pray, amen.
— Incometax
Truth is, I'm also a little gassy, and I think that last fart felt a little "too" wet, if you know what I mean.
— ironzerg [Unrepentant]
Brizel has taste. Just throwing that out there.
— JacenTKT [Unrepentant Guild Member]
Forum Happiness 101: Post to the topic, not the poster. You don't know what they are thinking, feeling or mean. You don't know what motivates them or drives them. You know absolutely nothing about them. Don't guess, you will be wrong. Don't assume, you will be wronger. Ask, or ignore me. And everyone will be happy-er.
— MacAllen [Champions Online]
He couldn't program his way out of a state machine.
— Mattiehorn [Unrepentant]
Will flying a Drake give me that tingly, wholesome feeling you get when ya slather a jar of peanut butter on your rectum & walk into a kennel?
— SharpPointyStick [Unrepentant]
You can't spell suck without the U. [Original was from Dao Jones: You can't spell "You Suck" without "The U".]
— Skylatron [Unrepentant]
I like my women like I like my cake... Rich and moist!
— Sysop [Champions Online]
What happens in the Uey spankatorium STAYS in the Uey spankatorium.
— Tattersoul
You didn't do exactly what you weren't supposed to do.
— Vorl [Unrepentant]
[His dad] Son, if you are ever lucky enough to find a group of people who are both clever and kind, who are both playful and wise, who appeal to you as individuals and yet make you feel welcome as part of a group... for God's sake, go bug them for a while, because you're driving us crazy here.
— Yeoman [Unrepentant]
[Regarding PowerHouse] Comic Sans is actually appropriate for a Superhero character making program. In fact, it might be the only example of thematically acceptable use of Comic Sans in history.
— ZandarTheWeeble [Unrepentant]
Down in the ocean, floating like an island,
a peg leg for a rudder and me skives for a sail.
I'm sure a goner, but I'm still a smilin'
for I just walked the plank and I live to tell the tale!
Toast to health and lasting peace,
may faction end and wealth increase.
Come let us drink while we have breath
for there's no drinking after death.
General
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
— "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972
I divide my officers into four classes; the clever, the lazy, the industrious, and the stupid. Each officer possesses at least two of these qualities. Those who are clever and industrious are fitted for the highest staff appointments. Use can be made of those who are stupid and lazy. The man who is clever and lazy however is for the very highest command; he has the temperament and nerves to deal with all situations. But whoever is stupid and industrious is a menace and must be removed immediately!
— [German General] Kurt von Hammerstein-Equord in "Truppenführung", 1933 [A practical observation on the risks of stupidity]
Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves.
— Abraham Lincoln
People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
— Adam Carolla
I'll take friendly, helpful people any day over 1,000 assholes gathered in one place screaming "RTFM" at anyone who utters a question.
— Adam Doxtater
Don't worry about what anybody else is going to do. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.
— Alan Kay
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
— Albert Einstein
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
— Albert Einstein
It's no wonder Christian Coalition members repeat their organization's mission like a mantra. Understanding morality not informed by a faith in Jesus Christ must confound true believers at least as much as values not guided primarily by common sense perplex the rest of the population.
— Alex Foege, "The Empire God Built: Inside Pat Robertson's Media Machine", pg 143
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
— Arthur C. Clarke
Every religion is true one way or another. It is true when understood metaphorically. But when it gets stuck in its own metaphors, interpreting them as facts, then you are in trouble.
— Arthur C. Clarke
The greatest tragedy in mankind's entire history may be the hijacking of morality by religion.
— Arthur C. Clarke
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
— Bertrand Russell
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.
— Bertrand Russell
I don't know half of you as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins [from his speech on his eleventy-first birthday]
Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.
— Bill Maher
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after themselves.
— Bill Vaughan
You have a weekness for chocolate, I get loaded and hit women.
— Billy Putnam (The Onion)
Many will call me an adventurer, and that I am, only one of a different sort: one of those who risks his skin to prove his platitudes.
— Che Guevara
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.
— Clarence Darrow
Which is more improbable -- that the trillions of solar systems in the known universe exploded from something smaller than a pinhead or that there is an invisible, omniscient moral intelligence present everywhere that has the highest tolerance for cruelty?
— David Hayden
[About the existence of God.] I am a modern man with logic and reasoning. I do not believe in all-powerful, invisible beings that can turn people into pillars of salt, that someone put two of every animal on earth into a boat, or that someone parted the sea just because ancient people wrote down those claims 2,000 years ago.
— fmaxwell
You will find great contentment in the daily, routine activities.
— Fortune Cookie
Greed is good.
— Gordon Gekko (Wall Street)
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
— Gore Vidal
Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.
— H. L. Mencken
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
— Jame "Buffalo Bill" Gumb
Those who call for the repeal of the Second Amendment so that we can really begin controlling firearms betray a serious misunderstanding of the Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights does not grant rights to the people, such that its repeal would legitimately confer upon government the powers otherwise proscribed. The Bill of Rights is the list of the fundamental, inalienable rights, endowed in man by his Creator, that define what it means to be a free and independent people, the rights which must exist to ensure that government governs only with the consent of the people.
— Jeffrey R. Snyder
It's not "civil disobedience" if your life is better after your "disobedience".
— Jeremy Bowers
Organized religion is a crutch for the weak-minded.
— Jesse Ventura
Organized religion is a sham and a crutch for weak-minded people who need strength in numbers.
— Jesse Ventura
I don't fall for the Jesus freaks when they seem like they want to win.
— Jude "Rick James"
Religion is the opiate of the masses.
— Karl Marx
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
— Kevin McCurleys Thought for the day, June 24, 1997
Mathematicians have tried in vain to this day to discover some order in the sequence of prime numbers, and we have reason to believe that it is a mystery into which the human mind will never penetrate.
— Leonhard Euler
I'm still an atheist, thank God.
— Luis Bunuel
When people pick their "5 people living or dead to have dinner with," don't they worry they'll be the most boring person at the meal?
— Michael Ian Black [twitter]
Sometimes low self-esteem is earned. It's the correct response if you are not trying your best.
— Michael Koppelman
I worry about my child and the Internet all the time, even though she's too young to have logged on yet. Here's what I worry about. I worry that 10 or 15 years from now, she will come to me and say "Daddy, where were you when they took freedom of the press away from the Internet?"
— Mike Godwin (Electronic Frontier Foundation)
You wanted an argument? Oh, I'm sorry, but this is abuse, you want room 12A, just along the corridor. Stupid git.
— Monty Python
Never ascribe to malice, that which can be explained by incompetence.
— Napoleon
The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it.
— Neil deGrasse Tyson
Have not prisons -- which kill all will and force of character in man, which enclose within their walls more vices than are met with on any other spot of the globe -- always been universities of crime?
— Peter Kropotkin
America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country.
— President George W Bush (State of the Union Address Jan 20, 2004)
A plan? Oh man, I hate plans. That means we have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or mission statement?
— Red vs Blue, Episode 13
Our units of temporal measurement, from seconds on up to months, are so complicated, asymmetrical and disjunctive so as to make coherent mental reckoning in time all but impossible. Indeed, had some tyrannical god contrived to enslave our minds to time, to make it all but impossible for us to escape subjection to sodden routines and unpleasant surprises, he could hardly have done better than handing down our present system. It is like a set of trapezoidal building blocks, with no vertical or horizontal surfaces, like a language in which the simplest thought demands ornate constructions, useless particles and lengthy circumlocutions. Unlike the more successful patterns of language and science, which enable us to face experience boldly or at least level-headedly, our system of temporal calculation silently and persistently encourages our terror of time.

It is as though architects had to measure length in feet, width in meters and height in ells; as though basic instruction manuals demanded a knowledge of five different languages. It is no wonder then that we often look into our own immediate past or future, last Tuesday or a week from Sunday, with feelings of helpless confusion.
— Robert Grudin (Time and the Art of Living)
The wife picked up a juicer last week. What they don't say in the instructions is, after using the juicer for a couple of days, that shit cleans you right out fast. I mean, if I got into an accident and someone had to resuscitate me and give me mouth-to-mouth, my ass would whistle.
— Rodger [For The Lore Podcast]
The longer it takes for a bug to surface, the harder it is to find.
— Roedy Green
Freedom is always the freedom of the one who thinks differently.
— Rosa Luxemburg
All truth goes through three stages. First it is ridiculed. Then it is violently opposed. Finally, it is accepted as self-evident.
— Schopenhauer
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
— Seneca
Starting a business is the most public, most expensive, riskiest way of all to be wrong.
— Seth Godin, "The Bootstrapper's Bible"
If I truly want to understand humanity, I only need to read the comments section on YouTube.
— Shani [The Secret World]
Bill: ... grab your hoop skirt and get on up here pretty lady, and we'll ride real slow.
Karolyn: Get down!
Bill: Why don't you like fun?
— Slowskys [Comcast turtles]
Bill: Two thousand nine hundred ninety eight, two thousand nine hundred ninety nine, three thousand. Ready or not here I come.
[Shot of Karolyn halfway hiding behind a living room chair.]
Bill: I can see your butt.
— Slowskys [Comcast turtles]
Phase One: Collect underpants.
Phase Two: ?
Phase Three: Profit.
— South Park Gnomes
With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil -- that takes religion.
— Steven Weinberg
If you're bored, you're boring.
— Teresa Strasser's Grandmother
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have.
— Thomas Jefferson
When the people fear their government, there is tyranny; when the government fears the people, there is liberty.
— Thomas Jefferson
If it's just a game, then why do they keep score?
— Worf
Yoda once said, "You have fear in your words. Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering."
A wise man added, "Suffering leads to compassion. Compassion leads to brotherhood. Brotherhood leads to peace."
An even wiser man added, "Peace leads to boredom. Boredom leads to aggression. Aggression leads to fear... and we are right back where we started."
— Yoda
There are no monotheists in the foxholes of the Amazon Rain Forest.
— Zippy [Zippy the Pinhead comic, Jan 9, 2009]
Disco oil bussing will create a throbbing naugahide pipeline running straight to the tropics from the rug producing regions and devalue the dollar!
— Zippy IRC Bot
A deep, unwavering belief is a sure sign you're missing something.
A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying "That was fucking awesome!"
Beer is the path to the drunk side. Beer leads to cocktails. Cocktails lead to shots. Shots lead to suffering (the next morning).
Beware of he who would deny you access to information, for in his heart he dreams himself your master.
Computer games don't affect kids! I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills, while listening to repetitive electronic music.
Cult: A small, unpopular religion.
Religion: A large, popular cult.
Department of Redundancy, Department
Fitts's Law: The time to acquire a target is a function of the distance to and size of the target.
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French,
and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss,
and It's all organized by the Italians.
I can't decide whether to be a good example or a horrible warning.
I used to be indecisive, but, I'm not so sure now.
I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free. I won't forget the men who died, who gave that right to me. So I gladly stand up next you and defend her still today. 'Cause there ain't no doubt I love that land, God bless the USA.
In theory, theory and practice are the same, but in practice they never are.
Let it not be misconstrued that I do not disapprove.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.
Some people are like slinkys, not at all useful but you can't help but smile when you push them down the stairs.
That's dope fresh!
The Internet: The only place where guys are guys, women are guys, and children are police officers.
We're going where no man's eyes have set foot before.
You can't cure stupidity or malice with instructions.
You don't rate to debate with the great.
George Carlin
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
— George Carlin
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
— George Carlin
Always do whatever's next.
— George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
— George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
— George Carlin
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
— George Carlin
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
— George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
— George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
— George Carlin
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
— George Carlin
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
— George Carlin
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam.
— George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
— George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
— George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
— George Carlin
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
— George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
— George Carlin
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
— George Carlin
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
— George Carlin
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
— George Carlin
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
— George Carlin
More harm has been done to the collective human psyche by religion than by all the fucking and cocksucking since the dawn of time.
— George Carlin
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
— George Carlin
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
— George Carlin
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
— George Carlin
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
— George Carlin
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
— George Carlin
Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man living in the sky, and he has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these things he will send you to a place full of fire, and smoke, and burn and torture you forever and ever 'till the end of time... but he loves you. And he needs money.
— George Carlin
Religion is just mind control.
— George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, "Why?" Some people dream of things that never were and ask, "Why not?" Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.
— George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
— George Carlin
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
— George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
— George Carlin
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
— George Carlin
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
— George Carlin
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
— George Carlin
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
— George Carlin
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
— George Carlin
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
— George Carlin
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."
— George Carlin
You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
— George Carlin
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
— George Carlin
Haikus
startApplication()
thenWaitFriggingForever()
thenItGoesRealSlow()
— Eclipse
The friends chat gaily,
I stand up to join their talk.
My save-excursion.
— Emacs
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator
— Viper_Viper [slashdot]
Obligatory:
But In Soviet Russia
Haiku Uses You
— VorpalRodent
Literature
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
— A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.
— Arthur Clarke
"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
— Bastian B. Bux
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.
— Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Fellowship of the Ring"]
Never laugh at live dragons.
— Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.
— Blaise Pascal
Big book, big bore.
— Callimachus
In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch.
— Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian novel
Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!
— Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as dead as a door-nail.
— Charles Dickens, "A Christmas Carol"
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
— Charles Dickens
I'll burn my books.
— Christopher Marlowe
The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never see her little dog Pritzi again.
— Claudia Fields, runner-up
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.
— Corwin, Prince of Amber
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took *thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
— Dave Barry
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.
— Dylan Thomas
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
— Ernest Hemingway
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
— Ernest Hemingway
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess.
— Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.
— Gene Fowler
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.
— George D. Prentice
Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam in 1959.
— Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
— Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
We believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.
— H. Allen Smith
"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one syllable is thine!"
— H. Melville, "Moby Dick"
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
— H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.
— Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901
A is for Apple.
— Hester Pryne
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
— J.P. Donleavy
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.
— J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me."
— J.R.R. Tolkien
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE! AWAKE!
— J.R.R. Tolkien
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
— J.R.R. Tolkien
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
— J.R.R. Tolkien
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.
— J.R.R. Tolkien
My dear People.
My dear Bagginses and Boffins, and my dear Tooks and Brandybucks, and Grubbs, and Chubbs, and Burrowses, and Hornblowers, and Bolgers, Bracegirdles, Goodbodies, Brockhouses and Proudfoots. Also my good Sackville Bagginses that I welcome back at last to Bag End. Today is my one hundred and eleventh birthday: I am eleventy-one today!"
— J.R.R. Tolkien
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
— Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go.
A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far out on the water, round. Usurper.
— James Joyce, "Ulysses"
It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk.
— Jeff Jahnke, runner-up
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.
— Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously -- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.
— John Keats
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
— Justin Richardson.
"... the name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
"Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to feel interested.
"No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged Aged Man.'"
"Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" Alice corrected herself.
"No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
"Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time completely bewildered.
"I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is "A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
— Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.
— Lewis Carroll
What I tell you three times is true.
— Lewis Carroll
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
— Maek Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
— Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?
— Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" -- a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
April 1
This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET."
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea! -- incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea -- and put him at the head of the procession.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil, you will say that she did it with her teeth.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
October 12, the Discovery.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
October.
This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in.
The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Tell the truth or trump -- but get the trick.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author, and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
— Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
— Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
— Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author
— Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
— Mark Twain, on New England weather
Too much is just enough.
— Mark Twain, on whiskey
... a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
— Mark Twain
... all the modern inconveniences...
— Mark Twain
... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
— Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
— Mark Twain
All generalizations are false, including this one.
— Mark Twain
Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
— Mark Twain
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.
— Mark Twain
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
— Mark Twain
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
— Mark Twain
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.
— Mark Twain
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
— Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
— Mark Twain
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
— Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.
— Mark Twain
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.
— Mark Twain
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
— Mark Twain
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
— Mark Twain
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
— Mark Twain
I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere if they don't get it.
— Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
— Mark Twain
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.
— Mark Twain
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
— Mark Twain
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
— Mark Twain
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
— Mark Twain
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.
— Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.
— Mark Twain
In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore... in the Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million three hundred thousand miles long... seven hundred and forty-two years from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
— Mark Twain
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
— Mark Twain
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.
— Mark Twain
Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.
— Mark Twain
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.
— Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
— Mark Twain
No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.
— Mark Twain
Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.
— Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
— Mark Twain
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.
— Mark Twain
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
— Mark Twain
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.
— Mark Twain
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
— Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.
— Mark Twain
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
— Mark Twain
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.
— Mark Twain
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
— Mark Twain
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
— Mark Twain
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."
— Mark Twain
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.
— Mark Twain
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
— Mark Twain
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.
— Mark Twain
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
— Mark Twain
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
— Mark Twain
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.
— Mark Twain
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
— Mark Twain
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
— Mark Twain
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.
— Mark Twain
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it -- and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again -- and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.
— Mark Twain
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
— Mark Twain
When in doubt, tell the truth.
— Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
— Mark Twain
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do.
Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
— Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
— Mark Twain
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
— Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
— Oscar Wilde
We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a French restaurant. [...]
I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...]
"Stop the car," the girl said.
There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget.
"I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway belle's for thee."
The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
— Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway Competition
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
— Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo.
— Rachel Sheeley, winner
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
— Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
I think life is too serious to be taken seriously.
— Ray Bradbury
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To know that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
— Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice", Harper's Magazine, December 1920
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
— Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circumstances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique...
— Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light"
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.
— Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter.
— Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
— Samuel Beckett
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots.
— Samuel Foote
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
— Samuel Johnson
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.
— Saul Bellow
English literature's performing flea.
— Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
— Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!
— Sherlock Holmes
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
— Sherlock Holmes
No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone.
— Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House"
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.
— Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive.
— Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones.
— Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can be better."
— Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
— Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
— T.S. Eliot
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?
— Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when refer
Every why hath a wherefore.
— William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...
— William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
— William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
— William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
I do desire we may be better strangers.
— William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
So so is good, very good, very excellent good: and yet it is not; it is but so so.
— William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
— William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
He hath eaten me out of house and home.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
The better part of valor is discretion.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
You tread upon my patience.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Every cloud engenders not a storm.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Harp not on that string.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Small things make base men proud.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Talkers are no good doers.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.
— William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
— William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.
— William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
Seeing that death, a necessary end,
Will come when it will come.
— William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
— William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
This was the most unkindest cut of all.
— William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.
— William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
For courage mounteth with occasion.
— William Shakespeare, "King John"
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.
— William Shakespeare, "King Lear"
For a light heart lives long.
— William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.
— William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Let me take you a button-hole lower.
— William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
— William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
— William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
O, it is excellent
To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous
To use it like a giant.
— William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
— William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4,
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.
— William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
Patch griefs with proverbs.
— William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.
— William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd
And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven;
The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth
And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change.
These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.
— William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
The ripest fruit falls first.
— William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
Things past redress and now with me past care.
— William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
You may my glories and my state dispose,
But not my griefs; still am I king of those.
— William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!
— William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
Tempt not a desperate man.
— William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.
— William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.
— William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
I dote on his very absence.
— William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
— William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
— William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
— William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.
— William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
— William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
— William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.
— William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
There's small choice in rotten apples.
— William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
— William Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
— William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
How apt the poor are to be proud.
— William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.
— William Shakespeare
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
And from that full meridian of my glory
I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
Like a bright exhalation in the evening
And no man see me more.
— William Shakespeare
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".
— William Shakespeare
Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none.
— William Shakespeare
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.
— William Shakespeare
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;
— William Shakespeare
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
— William Shakespeare
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
— William Shakespeare
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.
— William Shakespeare
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth time waste me.
— William Shakespeare
The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first time since the journey begain -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent with Basil.
— Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, 'Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal!'
— Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
The countdown had stalled at 'T' minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my career.
— Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh.
— Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a steroid-free fitness center.
— Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean lady who knits.
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
Condense soup, not books!
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later feels guilty and apologizes.
Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm)
-- by Anne Frank
A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered.
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: "Ernest, the rich are different from us."
Hemingway: "Yes. They have more money."
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
-- by O. Henry
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
-- by Margaret Mitchell
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
Hamlet LITE(tm)
-- by William Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-- by J.R.R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very very thin paper.
Many pages make a thick book.
Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage on the credulity of human nature.
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last Days of Pompeii."
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-- by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
-- by Homer
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
-- by Ernest Hemingway
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
To be or not to be.
-- William Shakespeare
To do is to be.
-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
-- Sinatra
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.
Movies
Rodger Rodger, Over Over, we have Clearance Clarence.
— Airplane
Buddy the Elf! What's your favorite color?
— Elf (Buddy [answering the phone])
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
— Princess Bride, The
Vizzini: He Didn't Fall? Inconceivable.
Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
— Princess Bride, The
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
— Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)
Everything will be all right. You are in my hands. I am here to protect you. You have nowhere to go. You have nowhere to go.
— THX 1138 (Chrome Robot)
Everything will be all right; we are here to help you. Stay calm. We are not going to harm you. Everything will be all right.
— THX 1138 (Chrome Robot)
Work hard, increase production, prevent accidents, and be happy.
— THX 1138 (OMM)
Economics must not dictate situations which are obviously religious.
— THX 1138 (Trial Prosecutor)
For more enjoyment and greater efficiency, consumption is being standardized.
— THX 1138
Keep causeways clean. Save time, save lives.
— THX 1138
Music
So... so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell?
Blue skies from pain?
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in a war
For the lead role in a cage?
— Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"
Personal-o
After two miles continue going straight.
— [Car Navigation System Female Voice]
[While serving a hot dish] Watch your fingies!
— [Waitress at The Tavern]
I only eat organic food. If it's not carbon based I wont eat it!
— Bob Knutson
Make no mistake...
— Cliff L. Anderson
[After sleeping in a separate room than her husband] You have the ability to snore through floors.
— Colleen B. Sherman
[While husband babbles] Use your words!
— Colleen B. Sherman
[While looking at full Geek Squad troop gathered together in a parking lot] Look! It's a gaggle of geeks!
— Colleen B. Sherman
[While taking a dump] Release the Kraken!
— Colleen B. Sherman
[While talking about calling in sick to work] Can I just call in quit?
— Colleen B. Sherman
Don't take the syrup. [Meaning to say "Don't drink the cool-aid."]
— Colleen B. Sherman
Dust is people! [Parody of "Soilent Green is people!"]
— Colleen B. Sherman
Got your banana?... Got your other banana?
— Colleen B. Sherman
I can't believe this is happening, Trump's a fucking monster!
— Colleen B. Sherman
I hate smelling other people's farts. I feel like I'm inhaling their poo.
— Colleen B. Sherman
I'm experiencing auditory vertigo.
— Colleen B. Sherman
I'm having a week!
— Colleen B. Sherman
It's amazing how two people's DNA combines to make... people.
— Colleen B. Sherman
It's sixteen seconds of awesome! [Not what you're think of]
— Colleen B. Sherman
Maps are so male oriented!
— Colleen B. Sherman
So, this weekend we have some stuff to do... And by "we" I mean you.
— Colleen B. Sherman
Somebody needs a beer... And that somebody is me.
— Colleen B. Sherman
Sometimes nuts [nutty people] need to be left alone.
— Colleen B. Sherman
Stupid people beget stupid people.
— Colleen B. Sherman
Thank god we have checks and balances to save us from Trump ruining our world.
— Colleen B. Sherman
That [hotel] bed wasn't very comfortable. I feel like I was sleeping downhill.
— Colleen B. Sherman
That mother-fucker burped in my ear!
— Colleen B. Sherman
The [Minneapolis] Renaissance Fair is like going to Target, while the State Fair is like going to Walmart.
— Colleen B. Sherman
They broke what wasn't fixed!
— Colleen B. Sherman
We're highly educated people, but we still don't know how chickens fuck.
— Colleen B. Sherman
You and your legs!
— Colleen B. Sherman
You've got to stop breast feeding if the kid is old enough to take off your bra.
— Colleen B. Sherman
Your eyes need to be swiveled.
— Colleen B. Sherman
Is this the "good Pat" [Parker] or the "scary Pat"?
— Dan Snyder
Egos don't make great software but sound logic does.
— Dan Tann
Surly is wonderful.
— Doug P. Barland
[Responding to being told to eat his food] I don't like food!
— Garrett Barland [age 4]
[Responding to being told to eat his green beans] Green beans are icky!
— Garrett Barland [age 4]
I can't wipe my butt because I can't see my butt.
— Grant Barland [age 4]
Every time a blog is created an angel gets its wings.
— Jamie Thingelstad
Have you ever tried to polish a turd? You can polish it, and polish it, and make it look shiny. But, at the end of the day, it still stinks like shit.
— Jason Motylinski
I can not build a system that is that retarded.
— Jason Motylinski
There are people who agonize over the naming of projects, classes, and applications, and then there are productive people...
— Jason Motylinski
We need to keep our ear to the floor, our nose to the grind stone, and hit the low hanging fruit... out of the ballpark!
— Jason Motylinski
You need a connection string in your Action Jackson.
— Jason Motylinski
Cool your tits!
— Jaxon K. Turner [age 12]
This guy goes to see his doctor.
The doctor says, "You've got to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Why?"
The doctor replies, "So I can finishing examining you."
— John A. Murphy [retelling a joke]
All we are saying, is give giant chickens a chance.
— John A. Murphy
An email is worth a thousand normal words.
— John A. Murphy
Saw Clockwork Orange. Now every time I hear 'Singing in the Rain' I think about kicking the shit out of someone.
— John A. Murphy
Shitty code never dies.
— John A. Murphy
Software engineers think big O means something completely different than most people do.
— John A. Murphy
The world needs giant fighting chickens.
— John A. Murphy
There's a fine line between being assertive and being a prick.
— John A. Murphy
This file was generated by a tool... And you're a tool if you modify it.
— John A. Murphy
Why is everyone stupid except me?
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod [rumored to be]
... Now I'm going to shitty shit all the fucking fuck ass bitching suck ass mother fucking time...
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
[After singing "So kiss me" like a girl] Yes, it's true... I have no penis.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
[Referring sarcastically to a coworker] He is an island of brilliance.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
Binarily speaking...
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
During the Revolutionary War, did George Washington say "You guys cross the Patomic; page me if something goes wrong."?
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
I can't fucking drunk.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
Is a North Dakota man illiterate?
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
Stupid people are stupid.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
There aren't enough words in the Russian language to be a nice person.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
Yes, except you are completely wrong.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
You know what happens when you make assumptions... You make an ass out of both You and Umption!
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
You were more right before you opened your mouth.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
You're one of those ideas guys.
— Kevin P. Dotzenrod
There's the right way and there's the MotivAction way.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman [about his employer]
Brizel: I like to yell "RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" before I take a dump.
Stanito: Thanks, I just spit Red Bull on my keyboard.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman [as Brizel]
Games come and go, but drama is forever.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman [regarding guild members]
After the age of 18 all social safe guards need to be removed. We need to let Darwinism kick in before people start to breed.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
AI is when you have a complex set of relationships that mimic intelligence and probably should change/improve over time as new information is added or "learned".
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
All things in moderation... Except for crack/meth/heroin, that shit will kill you.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Anonymous opinions are worthless.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Computers are wonders of the modern world.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Coolness starts with the database.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Copacetic man, copacetic.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Emacs... it's worth the pain.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Get on the blower and give 'em what-for!
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I can count the number of times that happened on one finger.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I cared so much about your last [email] response that I printed up 3 copies and promptly flushed one, burned another, and defecated on the last one which I plan to have framed.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I find that I'm hard of hearing when the Man's foot is up my ass!
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I hate platitudes. They only apply if you're dumb, otherwise they're just common sense.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I'm a guy that likes to do stuff with people while trying new and exciting things at various places.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I'm too perfect to be humble.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
I've learned that all of the best quotes come from 4 year olds.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
It's like gold-to-shit alchemy.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
It's like trying to sprinkle glitter on a turd.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
It's lonely at the top and it's hard being right all the time.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Men's nuts are like garnish.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Never fear, Burrito Man is here!
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Our [database] tables are extremely keyed.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Our feet are softer than our hands because our feet are shoed up all day while our hands are not.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
So many trees to hug, so little time.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Spec-Time-Continuum
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Thank God we don't go to church.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
That might be bad, but not as bad as sweaty man-love.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
That person's a Duchebag Hipster, or as I like to call them, a Dupster!
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
That's re-god-damn-diculous!
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
The Windows registry... A brilliant stroke of complete idiocy.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
They [the government] piss on my face and tell me it's raining and then steal my wallet to buy more beer so they can piss on me again!
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Trees are amazing.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Well most people would know that... but I'm special.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
What is this thing you call "the gym"?
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
When the exception is an idiot it just further proves the rule.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
When they say "You should eat a good breakfast" I don't think they mean just coffee.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Who you marry, who you work for, and who your friends are, are all very important very personal and very selfish decisions, as they should be.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Work is beating me down like a dog that f***ed your cat.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
You hit the hammer on the nail.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
You're wise between your ears.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
[After talking about herself for a while] Enough about me... What do you think about me?
— Lisa Schoening
That's not just gravy, that's extra fatty gravy.
— Mark Wilkie
I'd like to hear what the introverts have to say.
— Nick Hedberg
It's between twelve and noon.
— Pat Barland
[Project members must have] a steadfast urge to float beyond the netherworld with the astral jellyfish in a shape shifting state akin to Altered States, except not as scary.
— Patrick B. Parker
A little bit of it is "this". A lotta bit of it is "that".
— Patrick B. Parker
Don't do the panicked gazelle jump into the river, or wildebeast, or whatever.
— Patrick B. Parker
For shits sake!
— Patrick B. Parker
Fricken bone-headed bone-head!
— Patrick B. Parker
I don't want to be the wet blanket.
— Patrick B. Parker
I get the gravy that falls off the plate. Then I get hit in the head with the wood spoon.
— Patrick B. Parker
I was the isolated asshole.
— Patrick B. Parker
I'll be on you like rice on butter. Wait, that's not right, what is it? Like butter on rice? No, rice on white? Wait, I got it. Like white on rice!
— Patrick B. Parker
I'm just a meat patty in a puppet string.
— Patrick B. Parker
In his world we are naughty children that should be spanked. We are up to mischief and not getting anything done.
— Patrick B. Parker
It's like Skippy's deep fried toad legs.
— Patrick B. Parker
It's like trying to polish poop.
— Patrick B. Parker
It's like you shoot yourself in the foot and then you pull your gun out again and shoot your other foot off.
— Patrick B. Parker
That guy has to be the worst sales person ever. He couldn't sell free water.
— Patrick B. Parker
We'll treat our site like a graffiti backboard of a malt shop in 1964 Harlem Bronx.
— Patrick B. Parker
We're like this huge ship, following whichever dolphin has the most money on its back.
— Patrick B. Parker
We're the people in the bottom of the ship shoveling the coal, meanwhile everyone else is up top dancing and the captain is sailing to Bermuda for a party.
— Patrick B. Parker
Well I'll be a duck sniffer!
— Patrick B. Parker
When the wall is going to breach, when you know it's going to keel over, there's no use in keeping your thumb in it when you know the whole wall is going to blow by you.
— Patrick B. Parker
With properties we can track anything about a user, like for instance if we wanted to track 'Goats Kicked'.
— Patrick B. Parker
You can't just call Travelocity and say "I want twelve new fields right there, in a week!"
— Patrick B. Parker
You guys must be smoking different crack pipes.
— Patrick B. Parker
I hate people.
[Ten minutes later...]
Earlier, when I said that I hate people, I was only partially kidding.
— Patrick Lynch
[In response to having to program faster] Like I've got some sort of "application udder" that gets milked for code every couple hours.
— Robert R. Turner
This is my brother from another mother.
— Robert R. Turner
We've got a disconnect here.
— Robert R. Turner
You know, back in the day it was pretty cool. But, it ain't "the day" no more.
— Robert R. Turner
You're preaching to the Pope.
— Robert R. Turner
It's like Forever Stamps, but with burritos.
— Ryan Johnson
There is no business that can't be better discussed over beers.
— Ryan Johnson
Don't piss on my leg and tell me that it's raining.
— Ryan Schoening
To deny a person the consequences of their own action's will create a mass of fools.
— Ryan Schoening
All people need to fart to stay alive, and if I don't fart I will die.
— Sam [age 4]
Ooooooooh, Kyle [Sherman] is the best
Code so good, no need to test
Be it sproc, table, or DTS
Ain't no man that compares
In the hemisphere of the west
Or the east, for all practical matters...
— Scott Henz
Agent Mulder and Skully reporting to Assistant Director Skinner: Unexplained events have caused an undetermined number of unknown people to act mysteriously... Or it's all a government cover-up.
— The Brothers From Above
Doing time in the "suck".
— The Freak Brothers
A coworker: The Pentagon? Isn't that the funny shaped building in Washington?
Russ Bass: You mean the one shaped like a pentagon?
Jack Dunietz: These new entities are going to be more human than human. They are going to be pro-human to the extent that they will take themselves as such.
Robert R. Turner: They will be human-like. In a related project I'm attempting to pull a monkey out of my ass to see which event, the creation of these new entities or a living monkey being pulled out of my ass, will occur first. In the short term, my money is on the monkey.
John [The Bartender]: Do you want a lime with your beer?
Colleen Sherman: No thanks.
John: No lime? That's like a day without sunshine.
Kyle Sherman: Are we middle aged yet?
Colleen Sherman: You are.
Kyle Sherman: Dylan was a good song writer.
Colleen Sherman: He's still alive.
Kyle Sherman: I know you have a Hall of Fame and all, but do yooooou have a Most Improved?
Colleen Sherman: No, no I do not.
Kyle Sherman: It smells like ass out here.
John Murphy: No it just smells like New Jersey.
Kyle Sherman: The cool thing about microwave ovens is they never break.
Colleen Sherman: Oh you just jinxed us you son of a bitch.
Kyle Sherman: When I walk into my office I always forget what I went in there to do.
Colleen Sherman: That's because your office is a wonderland.
Peter Ruffell [English]: Oh yes, fourth of July, the day we gave away a colony we didn't want to some people we didn't like.
James R. Cunningham [American]: Is that what they teach you in school? Let's get the story straight. That's the day a group of farmers kicked your ass!
Saturday Night Live-o
When I die I want to go peacefully like my grandpa in his sleep, not screaming like the passengers in his car.
— SNL: Deep Thoughts
Vagisil! When you get a surprise, between your thighs -- Vagisil!
...
Vagisil! When dryness lingers, get some cream on those fingers! Vagisiiiil!
...
Vagisil! I scream, you scream... we all scream for vagina cream! [extended beat] vag-i-sil!
...
Speaking of sealed lips -- Vagisil!
— SNL: ESPN2 Classic Vagisil Superstars of Bowling Tournament 1989
The Today's Contraceptive Sponge. Put a baby blocker in your lady locker! Today's Sponge Contraceptive!
...
Speaking of soaking it up... The Today's Sponge. [pause] Trying to avoid the stork? Well use this little vagina cork. Today's Sponge. 80% affective!
...
The Today's Sponge. Can't keep your legs shut? Well put one of these little babies in your front butt. [long pause] Today's Sponge Contraceptive Device.
...
Talking about being full of spunk -- Today's Sponge.
— SNL: ESPN2 Classic Today's Sponge Women's Weightlifting Championship 1986
KY Jelly! No foreplay today? Hey, that's okay! KY Jelly!
...
KY Jelly! Protect her from your girth, with the greatest lube on Earth! KY Jelly!
...
KY Jelly! When you're seeing sparks, where your penis parks! KY Jelly!
...
KY Jelly. Make a little room for Paco, put some sauce on that taco! [extended pause] KY Lubricant Jelly!
...
Speaking of loose slots -- KY Jelly!
— SNL: ESPN2 Classic KY Jelly Ladies Shot Put Championship 1985
Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, put one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Stay Free Maxi Pads! It's the downstairs latch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China... I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Stay Free Maxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from "The Shining!" [extended hold] Stay Free Maxi Pads!
...
Speaking of loose juice -- Stay Free Maxi Pads!
— SNL: ESPN2 Classic Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994
Summer's Eve. When something's gone wrong, and it's the smell of your thong! Summer's Eve Douche!
...
Summer's Eve. When your man's in a coma from your pantie aroma! Summer's Eve Douche!
...
Summer's Eve. When your situation down south makes him breathe through his mouth! Summers Eve Douche!
— SNL: ESPN2 Classic Summer's Eve Lady Stars of Darts Championship 1988
Scarcasm-o
Pretty smart, Einstein.
— Dmitri Tsyganov
Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.
— John A. Murphy
No shit, Sherlock.
Dig a little deeper, Watson.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Smooth move, Exlax.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
You have a real knack for understanding the obvious.
— Kyle W. T. Sherman
Nice job, captain obvious.
— Vin Simurra
The company is lucky to have you.
— Vin Simurra
Nice one, Einstein.
Smooth move, Ace.
So glad you could join us.
You really know just how to fix everything.
Show Cheers
Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
How's a beer sound, Norm?
I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's shaking, Norm?
All four cheeks and a couple of chins.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Going Down?
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's new, Normie?
Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What'll it be, Normie?
Just the usual Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Daddy wuvs you.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What'd you like, Normie?
A reason to live. Give me another beer.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What'll you have, Normie?
Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap.
Looks like beer, Norm.
Call me Mister Lucky.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What'd you say, Norm?
Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What would you say to a beer, Norm?
Hiya, sailor. New in town?
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
[Coming in from the rain] Evening everybody.
[everybody] Norm!
Still pouring, Norm?
That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Whaddya say, Norm?
Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Like a baby treats a diaper.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Would you like a beer Mr. Peterson?
No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
How's life treating you?
It's not, Sammy, but you can.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
I know, if she calls, I'm not here.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Beer, Norm?
Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here".
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Another layer for the winter, Wood.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Whatcha up to, Norm?
My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
How's it going Mr. Peterson?
Poor.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, I mean pour.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
How's life treating you, Norm?
Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Women. Can't live with 'em... pass the beer nuts.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's going down, Normie?
My butt cheeks on that bar stool.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Alright, but stop me at one... make that one-thirty.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
How's it going Mr. Peterson?
It's a dog eat dog world, Woody and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's the story, Norm?
Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
How's about a beer, Norm?
That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
The question is, "what's going 'in' Mr. Peterson?" A beer, please, Woody.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?
A little early isn't it, Woody?
For a beer?
No, for stupid questions.
— Norm Peterson [Cheers]
Show Family Guy
Hey barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
— Brian (Family Guy)
[Talking to Brian] This is the one thing I ever asked you to do for this family. Well this and not to do that thing where you drag your ass across the carpet.
— Peter (Family Guy)
Hey Meg, a little less talking and a little more shut-the-hell-up!
— Peter (Family Guy)
What did you have for breakfast, Carnation Instant Bitch!?!
— Peter (Family Guy)
[After being offered icecream] Yes, but no sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!
— Stewey (Family Guy)
Damn you vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped your wretched womb!
— Stewey (Family Guy)
For the love of God shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!
— Stewey (Family Guy)
There I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?
— Stewey (Family Guy)
Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.
Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.
Show Friends
A Few of My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens...
Bluebells and sleighbells and something with mittens...
La la la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
Babies

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch
But soon they'll grow up and resent you so much
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why
You cry and you cry and you cry
And you cry and you cry and you cry
— Phoebe (Friends)
Barnyard Animals

Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Oh the cow in the meadow goes "moo"
Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up
And that's how we get hamburgers
Nowwwwwwwwww chickens!
— Phoebe (Friends)
Bi-Sexuals

Sometimes men love women
And sometimes men love men
And then there are bi-sexuals
Though some just say they're kidding themselves
La la la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
Blackout

New York City has no power
And the milk is getting sour
But to me that is not scary
Cause I stay away from dairy
La la la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
Coma Guy's Song

You don't have to be awake to be my man
As long as you have brainwaves,
I'll be there to hold your hand
Though we just met the other day,
There's something I got to say...
— Phoebe (Friends)
Don't

There'll be times when you get older
When you'll want to sleep with people
Just to make them like you
But DON'T, cause
That's another thing that you don't wanna do
That's another thing that you don't wanna do
— Phoebe (Friends)
Double Jointd Boy

... He was a double, double,
Double Jointed Boy
— Phoebe (Friends)
Grandparents

Now grandma's a person who everyone likes
She bought you a train and a bright shiny bike
But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner
And last time you saw her, she looked so much thinner
Now, your mom and your dad said she moved to Peru
But the truth is she died, and some day you will too
La la la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
My Mother's Ashes

My mother's ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar
And sometimes when it's breezy
Or when I'm feeling sneezy...
— Phoebe (Friends)
Rats

...And the crusty old man said,
"I'll do what I can."
And the rest of the rats played morroccas!
— Phoebe (Friends)
Smelly Cat

Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault

They won't take you to the vet
You're obviously not their favorite pet
You may not be a bed of roses
And you're no friend to those with noses

Smelly cat, smelly cat
What are they feeding you?
Smelly cat, smelly cat
It's not your fault
— Phoebe (Friends)
Terry's a Jerk

Terry's a jerk
And he won't let me work
And I hate Central Perk!
***
You're all invited to bite me!
— Phoebe (Friends)
The Charity Song

When I play, I play for me
I don't need your charity
La la la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
The Shower song

I'm in the shower and I'm writing a song
Stop me if you've heard it.
My skin is soapy and my hair is wet
And Tegrin spelled backwards is Nirget

And lather, rinse, repeat
And lather, rinse, repeat
And lather, rinse, repeat...as needed
— Phoebe (Friends)
The Snowman

I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin'
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchin
La la la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
They Found their Bodies

They found their bodies the very next day
They found their bodies the very... next... day...
La la la la la la la la la...
— Phoebe (Friends)
Two of Them Kissed Last Night

There was a girl we'll call her Betty
And a guy let's call him Neil
Now, I can't stress this point too strongly
This story isn't real...
Now our Neil must decide
Who will be the girl that he casts aside?
Will Betty be the one who he loves truly
Or will it be the one who we'll call L-L-Lulie?
He must decide
He must decide
Even though I made him up
He must decide
— Phoebe (Friends)
Show in Living Color
Not same-link, but chain-link!
— In Living Color
Not what's the plan, but who's da man!
— In Living Color
Not who's right, but who's white!
— In Living Color
Not whose fault, but asphalt!
— In Living Color
Not "run the preprocessor" but "run from da ossifer"!
— Robert Turner
Not batch job, but any job!
— Robert Turner
Not coprocessor, but parole officer!
— Robert Turner
Not Intel Two Duo, but 25 years to go!
— Robert Turner
Not Voice IP, but LA PD!
— Robert Turner
Show Star Trek
Landru! Guide us!
— A Beta 3-oid, "The Return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
There's no honorable way to kill, no gentle way to destroy. There is nothing good in war. Except its ending.
— Abraham Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
It is necessary to have purpose.
— Alice #1, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
Vulcans believe peace should not depend on force.
— Amanda, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.3
I thought my people would grow tired of killing. But you were right, they see it is easier than trading. And it has its pleasures. I feel it myself. Like the hunt, but with richer rewards.
— Apella, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
Earth -- mother of the most beautiful women in the universe.
— Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
There is an order of things in this universe.
— Apollo, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
We have phasers, I vote we blast 'em!
— Bailey, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.2
The man's DEAD, Jim!
— Bones
There's a way out of any cage.
— Captain Christopher Pike, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before.
— Captain James T. Kirk
Do you know about being with somebody? Wanting to be? If I had the whole universe, I'd give it to you, Janice. When I see you, I feel like I'm hungry all over. Do you know how that feels?
— Charlie Evans, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
"... freedom... is a worship word..."
"It is our worship word too."
— Cloud William and Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
History tends to exaggerate.
— Col. Green, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
"No one talks peace unless he's ready to back it up with war."
"He talks of peace if it is the only way to live."
— Colonel Green and Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
If some day we are defeated, well, war has its fortunes, good and bad.
— Commander Kor, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
What kind of love is that? Not to be loved; never to have shown love.
— Commissioner Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
"We have the right to survive!"
"Not by killing others."
— Deela and Kirk, "Wink of An Eye", stardate 5710.5
But it's real. And if it's real it can be affected... we may not be able to break it, but, I'll bet you credits to Navy Beans we can put a dent in it.
— deSalle, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
[Doctors and Bartenders], We both get the same two kinds of customers -- the living and the dying.
— Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
A man either lives life as it happens to him, meets it head-on and licks it, or he turns his back on it and starts to wither away.
— Dr. Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
Women professionals do tend to over-compensate.
— Dr. Elizabeth Dehaver, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", stardate 1312.9
No problem is insoluble.
— Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
The heart is not a logical organ.
— Dr. Janet Wallace, "The Deadly Years", stardate 3479.4
Youth doesn't excuse everything.
— Dr. Janice Lester (in Kirk's body), "Turnabout Intruder", stardate 5928.5
"The glory of creation is in its infinite diversity."
"And in the way our differences combine to create meaning and beauty."
— Dr. Miranda Jones and Spock, "Is There in Truth No Beauty?", stardate 5630.8
Sometimes a man will tell his bartender things he'll never tell his doctor.
— Dr. Phillip Boyce, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
When a child is taught... its programmed with simple instructions -- and at some point, if its mind develops properly, it exceeds the sum of what it was taught, thinks independently.
— Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
"Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate..."
"It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment -- the other side of the coin"
— Dr. Roger Corby and Kirk, "What are Little Girls Made Of?", stardate 2712.4
"I think they're going to take all this money that we spend now on war and death --"
"And make them spend it on life."
— Edith Keeler and Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
Lots of people drink from the wrong bottle sometimes.
— Edith Keeler, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
Prepare for tomorrow -- get ready.
— Edith Keeler, "The City On the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
To live is always desirable.
— Eleen the Capellan, "Friday's Child", stardate 3498.9
Punishment becomes ineffective after a certain point. Men become insensitive.
— Eneg, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
Oh, that sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy and it's still the same song.
— Eve McHuron, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
Death, when unnecessary, is a tragic thing.
— Flint, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
Witch! Witch! They'll burn ya!
— Hag, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate unknown
Behind every great man, there is a woman -- urging him on.
— Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
Knowledge, sir, should be free to all!
— Harry Mudd, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
Men will always be men -- no matter where they are.
— Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1329.8
The people of Gideon have always believed that life is sacred. That the love of life is the greatest gift... We are incapable of destroying or interfering with the creation of that which we love so deeply -- life in every form from fetus to developed being.
— Hodin of Gideon, "The Mark of Gideon", stardate 5423.4
Even historians fail to learn from history -- they repeat the same mistakes.
— John Gill, "Patterns of Force", stardate 2534.7
Only a fool fights in a burning house.
— Kank the Klingon, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
This cultural mystique surrounding the biological function -- you realize humans are overly preoccupied with the subject.
— Kelinda the Kelvan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4658.9
You are an excellent tactician, Captain. You let your second in command attack while you sit and watch for weakness.
— Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
Suffocating together... would create heroic camaraderie.
— Khan Noonian Singh, "Space Seed", stardate 3142.8
"What happened to the crewman?"
"The M-5 computer needed a new power source, the crewman merely got in the way."
— Kirk and Dr. Richard Daystrom, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
"There's only one kind of woman..."
"Or man, for that matter. You either believe in yourself or you don't."
— Kirk and Harry Mudd, "Mudd's Women", stardate 1330.1
"Get back to your stations!"
"We're beaming down to the planet, sir."
— Kirk and Mr. Leslie, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
You're too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman.
— Kirk to Yeoman Rand, "The Enemy Within", stardate unknown
The only solution is... a balance of power. We arm our side with exactly that much more. A balance of power -- the trickiest, most difficult, dirtiest game of them all. But the only one that preserves both sides.
— Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
War isn't a good life, but it's life.
— Kirk, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
[War] is instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands! But we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers... but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes! Knowing that we're not going to kill today!
— Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
Actual war is a very messy business. Very, very messy business.
— Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
Death. Destruction. Disease. Horror. That's what war is all about. That's what makes it a thing to be avoided.
— Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.0
Sometimes a feeling is all we humans have to go on.
— Kirk, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
Most legends have their basis in facts.
— Kirk, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
Leave bigotry in your quarters; there's no room for it on the bridge.
— Kirk, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
A woman should have compassion.
— Kirk, "Catspaw", stardate 3018.2
You go slow, be gentle. It's no one-way street -- you know how you feel and that's all. It's how the girl feels too. Don't press. If the girl feels anything for you at all, you'll know.
— Kirk, "Charlie X", stardate 1535.8
One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily having to take it.
— Kirk, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.2
There's another way to survive. Mutual trust -- and help.
— Kirk, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
... The prejudices people feel about each other disappear when then get to know each other.
— Kirk, "Elaan of Troyius", stardate 4372.5
Another Armenia, Belgium... the weak innocents who always seem to be located on a natural invasion route.
— Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.4
I'm a soldier, not a diplomat. I can only tell the truth.
— Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3198.9
No one wants war.
— Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
There are some things worth dying for.
— Kirk, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
Not one hundred percent efficient, of course... but nothing ever is.
— Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
The idea of male and female are universal constants.
— Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice.
— Kirk, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3220.3
No more blah, blah, blah!
— Kirk, "Miri", stardate 2713.6
Conquest is easy. Control is not.
— Kirk, "Mirror, Mirror", stardate unknown
Intuition, however illogical, is recognized as a command prerogative.
— Kirk, "Obsession", stardate 3620.7
The more complex the mind, the greater the need for the simplicity of play.
— Kirk, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.8
If I can have honesty, it's easier to overlook mistakes.
— Kirk, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
We fight only when there is no other choice. We prefer the ways of peaceful contact.
— Kirk, "Spectre of the Gun", stardate 4385.3
No one may kill a man. Not for any purpose. It cannot be condoned.
— Kirk, "Spock's Brain", stardate 5431.6
You'll learn something about men and women -- the way they're supposed to be. Caring for each other, being happy with each other, being good to each other. That's what we call love. You'll like that a lot.
— Kirk, "The Apple", stardate 3715.6
Peace was the way.
— Kirk, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate unknown
Worlds are conquered, galaxies destroyed -- but a woman is always a woman.
— Kirk, "The Conscience of the King", stardate 2818.9
A little suffering is good for the soul.
— Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
I've already got a female to worry about. Her name is the Enterprise.
— Kirk, "The Corbomite Maneuver", stardate 1514.0
Either one of us, by himself, is expendable. Both of us are not.
— Kirk, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
We have found all life forms in the galaxy are capable of superior development.
— Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3211.7
All your people must learn before you can reach for the stars.
— Kirk, "The Gamesters of Triskelion", stardate 3259.2
A Vulcan can no sooner be disloyal than he can exist without breathing.
— Kirk, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
A star captain's most solemn oath is that he will give his life, even his entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.
— Kirk, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
Without freedom of choice there is no creativity.
— Kirk, "The return of the Archons", stardate 3157.4
Our missions are peaceful -- not for conquest. When we do battle, it is only because we have no choice.
— Kirk, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
Too much of anything, even love, isn't necessarily a good thing.
— Kirk, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
Do you know the one -- "All I ask is a tall ship, and a star to steer her by..." You could feel the wind at your back, about you ... the sounds of the sea beneath you. And even if you take away the wind and the water, it's still the same. The ship is yours ... you can feel her ... and the stars are still there.
— Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
Genius doesn't work on an assembly line basis. You can't simply say, "Today I will be brilliant."
— Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
There are certain things men must do to remain men.
— Kirk, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4929.4
Another dream that failed. There's nothing sadder.
— Kirk, "This side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
Four thousand throats may be cut in one night by a running man.
— Klingon Soldier, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
You speak of courage. Obviously you do not know the difference between courage and foolhardiness. Always it is the brave ones who die, the soldiers.
— Kor, the Klingon Commander, "Errand of Mercy", stardate 3201.7
The sight of death frightens them [Earthers].
— Kras the Klingon, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
We Klingons believe as you do -- the sick should die. Only the strong should live.
— Kras, "Friday's Child", stardate 3497.2
Killing is wrong.
— Losira, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
A father doesn't destroy his children.
— Lt. Carolyn Palamas, "Who Mourns for Adonais?", stardate 3468.1
Murder is contrary to the laws of man and God.
— M-5 Computer, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
"The release of emotion is what keeps us health. Emotionally healthy."
"That may be, Doctor. However, I have noted that the healthy release of emotion is frequently unhealthy for those closest to you."
— McCoy and Spock, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
"Life and death are seldom logical."
"But attaining a desired goal always is."
— McCoy and Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2821.7
Killing is stupid; useless!
— McCoy, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
You're dead, Jim.
— McCoy, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
War is never imperative.
— McCoy, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist.
— McCoy, "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark that Kirk talked strangely
I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer.
— McCoy, "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta
I'm a doctor, not an escalator.
— McCoy, "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant Ellen up a steep incline
You can't evaluate a man by logic alone.
— McCoy, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
There's nothing disgusting about it [the Companion]. It's just another life form, that's all. You get used to those things.
— McCoy, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
I'm a doctor, not an engineer.
— McCoy, "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in Engineering aboard the ISS Enterprise
... The things love can drive a man to -- the ecstasies, the the miseries, the broken rules, the desperate chances, the glorious failures and the glorious victories.
— McCoy, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5843.7
Vulcans worship peace above all.
— McCoy, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
A princess should not be afraid -- not with a brave knight to protect her.
— McCoy, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.3
You! What PLANET is this!
— McCoy, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?
— McCoy, "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a physical exam to answer the alert
I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor.
— McCoy, "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the aging effects of the rogue comet near G
He's dead, Jim.
— McCoy, "The Devil in the Dark", stardate 3196.1
I'm a doctor, not a mechanic.
— McCoy, "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of the idea of a doomsday machine
I'm a doctor, not a coalminer.
— McCoy, "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2
Respect is a rational process
— McCoy, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
Blast medicine anyway! We've learned to tie into every organ in the human body but one. The brain! The brain is what life is all about.
— McCoy, "The Menagerie", stardate 3012.4
... bacteriological warfare... hard to believe we were once foolish enough to play around with that.
— McCoy, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
You're dead, Jim.
— McCoy, "The Tholian Web", stardate unknown
It is a human characteristic to love little animals, especially if they're attractive in some way.
— McCoy, "The Trouble with Tribbles", stardate 4525.6
We're all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine. But when it comes to your job -- that's different. And it always will be different.
— McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
Compassion -- that's the one things no machine ever had. Maybe it's the one thing that keeps men ahead of them.
— McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
If a man had a child who'd gone anti-social, killed perhaps, he'd still tend to protect that child.
— McCoy, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
The sooner our happiness together begins, the longer it will last.
— Miramanee, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
Each kiss is as the first.
— Miramanee, Kirk's wife, "The Paradise Syndrome", stardate 4842.6
Wait! You have not been prepared!
— Mr. Atoz, "Tomorrow is Yesterday", stardate 3113.2
Is truth not truth for all?
— Natira, "For the World is Hollow and I have Touched the Sky", stardate 5476.4
Is not that the nature of men and women -- that the pleasure is in the learning of each other?
— Natira, the High Priestess of Yonada, "For the World is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky", stardate
There is an old custom among my people. When a woman saves a man's life, he is grateful.
— Nona, the Kanuto witch woman, "A Private Little War", stardate 4211.8
You say you are lying. But if everything you say is a lie, then you are telling the truth. You cannot tell the truth because everything you say is a lie. You lie, you tell the truth... but you cannot, for you lie.
— Norman the android, "I, Mudd", stardate 4513.3
Uncontrolled power will turn even saints into savages. And we can all be counted on to live down to our lowest impulses.
— Parmen, "Plato's Stepchildren", stardate 5784.3
The games have always strengthened us. Death becomes a familiar pattern. We don't fear it as you do.
— Proconsul Marcus Claudius, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
We do not colonize. We conquer. We rule. There is no other way for us.
— Rojan, "By Any Other Name", stardate 4657.5
Another war... must it always be so? How many comrades have we lost in this way? ... Obedience. Duty. Death, and more death ...
— Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
First study the enemy. Seek weakness.
— Romulan Commander, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
Romulan women are not like Vulcan females. We are not dedicated to pure logic and the sterility of non-emotion.
— Romulan Commander, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.3
One does not thank logic.
— Sarek, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
There comes to all races an ultimate crisis which you have yet to face... One day our minds became so powerful we dared think of ourselves as gods.
— Sargon, "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4768.3
The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank.
— Scotty
Our way is peace.
— Septimus, the Son Worshiper, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4040.7
Yes, it is written. Good shall always destroy evil.
— Sirah the Yang, "The Omega Glory", stardate unknown
"Beauty is transitory."
"Beauty survives."
— Spock and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
"The combination of a number of things to make existence worthwhile."
"Yes, the philosophy of 'none,' meaning 'all.'"
— Spock and Lincoln, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
"Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here."
"You admit that?"
"To deny the facts would be illogical, Doctor"
— Spock and McCoy, "A Piece of the Action", stardate unknown
"Evil does seek to maintain power by suppressing the truth."
"Or by misleading the innocent."
— Spock and McCoy, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
"That unit is a woman."
"A mass of conflicting impulses."
— Spock and Nomad, "The Changeling", stardate 3541.9
There is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
— Spock, "A Taste of Armageddon", stardate 3193.9
After a time, you may find that "having" is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as "wanting." It is not logical, but it is often true.
— Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.
— Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
Live long and prosper.
— Spock, "Amok Time", stardate 3372.7
Without followers, evil cannot spread.
— Spock, "And The Children Shall Lead", stardate 5029.5
Without facts, the decision cannot be made logically. You must rely on your human intuition.
— Spock, "Assignment: Earth", stardate unknown
You humans have that emotional need to express gratitude. "You're welcome," I believe, is the correct response.
— Spock, "Bread and Circuses", stardate 4041.2
Where there's no emotion, there's no motive for violence.
— Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
You Earth people glorified organized violence for forty centuries. But you imprison those who employ it privately.
— Spock, "Dagger of the Mind", stardate 2715.1
No one can guarantee the actions of another.
— Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
Those who hate and fight must stop themselves -- otherwise it is not stopped.
— Spock, "Day of the Dove", stardate unknown
Virtue is a relative term.
— Spock, "Friday's Child", stardate 3499.1
It [being a Vulcan] means to adopt a philosophy, a way of life which is logical and beneficial. We cannot disregard that philosophy merely for personal gain, no matter how important that gain might be.
— Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
It would be illogical to kill without reason.
— Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
Vulcans do not approve of violence.
— Spock, "Journey to Babel", stardate 3842.4
Change is the essential process of all existence.
— Spock, "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield", stardate 5730.2
Fascinating, a totally parochial attitude.
— Spock, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled.
— Spock, "Operation -- Annihilate!" stardate 3287.2
The joys of love made her human and the agonies of love destroyed her.
— Spock, "Requiem for Methuselah", stardate 5842.8
On my planet, to rest is to rest -- to cease using energy. To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass, using energy, instead of saving it.
— Spock, "Shore Leave", stardate 3025.2
Insufficient facts always invite danger.
— Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
Superior ability breeds superior ambition.
— Spock, "Space Seed", stardate 3141.9
Madness has no purpose. Or reason. But it may have a goal.
— Spock, "The Alternative Factor", stardate 3088.7
Time is fluid... like a river with currents, eddies, backwash.
— Spock, "The City on the Edge of Forever", stardate 3134.0
Extreme feminine beauty is always disturbing.
— Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
Violence in reality is quite different from theory.
— Spock, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5818.4
Vulcans never bluff.
— Spock, "The Doomsday Machine", stardate 4202.1
Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.
— Spock, "The Enterprise Incident", stardate 5027.4
It would be illogical to assume that all conditions remain stable.
— Spock, "The Enterprise" Incident", stardate 5027.3
I realize that command does have its fascination, even under circumstances such as these, but I neither enjoy the idea of command nor am I frightened of it. It simply exists, and I will do whatever logically needs to be done.
— Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2812.7
I'm frequently appalled by the low regard you Earthmen have for life.
— Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
It is more rational to sacrifice one life than six.
— Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
There are always alternatives.
— Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
Totally illogical, there was no chance.
— Spock, "The Galileo Seven", stardate 2822.3
Humans do claim a great deal for that particular emotion (love).
— Spock, "The Lights of Zetar", stardate 5725.6
Men of peace usually are [brave].
— Spock, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
Fascinating is a word I use for the unexpected.
— Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
I object to intellect without discipline; I object to power without constructive purpose.
— Spock, "The Squire of Gothos", stardate 2124.5
Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man. And nothing can replace it or him.
— Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4729.4
Every living thing wants to survive.
— Spock, "The Ultimate Computer", stardate 4731.3
Many Myths are based on truth.
— Spock, "The Way to Eden", stardate 5832.3
Emotions are alien to me. I'm a scientist.
— Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
I have never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.
— Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.3
If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them.
— Spock, "This Side of Paradise", stardate 3417.7
Insults are effective only where emotion is present.
— Spock, "Who Mourns for Adonais?" stardate 3468.1
In the strict scientific sense we all feed on death -- even vegetarians.
— Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
Women are more easily and more deeply terrified... generating more sheer horror than the male of the species.
— Spock, "Wolf in the Fold", stardate 3615.4
The odds of surviving another attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
— Spock
We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
— Spock
"What terrible way to die."
"There are no good ways."
— Sulu and Kirk, "That Which Survives", stardate unknown
I am pleased to see that we have differences. May we together become greater than the sum of both of us.
— Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.4
The face of war has never changed. Surely it is more logical to heal than to kill.
— Surak of Vulcan, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
Oblivion together does not frighten me, beloved.
— Thalassa (in Anne Mulhall's body), "Return to Tomorrow", stardate 4770.3
Power is danger.
— The Centurion, "Balance of Terror", stardate 1709.2
Schshschshchsch.
— The Gorn, "Arena", stardate 3046.2
"It's hard to believe that something which is neither seen nor felt can do so much harm."
"That's true. But an idea can't be seen or felt. And that's what kept the Troglytes in the mines all these centuries. A mistaken idea."
— Vanna and Kirk, "The Cloud Minders", stardate 5819.0
When dreams become more important than reality, you give up travel, building, creating; you even forget how to repair the machines left behind by your ancestors. You just sit living and reliving other lives left behind in the thought records.
— Vina, "The Menagerie" ("The Cage"), stardate unknown
It would seem that evil retreats when forcibly confronted.
— Yarnek of Excalbia, "The Savage Curtain", stardate 5906.5
Immortality consists largely of boredom.
— Zefrem Cochrane, "Metamorphosis", stardate 3219.8
Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu.
Beam me up, Scotty!
Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser!
Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here!
But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer!
Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5...
Dammit Jim, I'm an actor, not a doctor.
Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
Hailing frequencies open, Captain.
Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
Klingon phaser attack from front!
100% Damage to life support!
Mind your own business, Spock. I'm sick of your halfbreed interference.
Phasers locked on target, Captain.
She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead!
Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
Star Trek Lives!
The man on tops walks a lonely street; the "chain" of command is often a noose.
Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either.
You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; I've got to have thirty minutes!
Show the Office
As Abe Lincoln once said: "If you are a racist, we will attack you from the north."
— Michael Scott (The Office)
Signature
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
— A. Whitney Brown
Only two things are infinite: The universe, and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the former.
— Albert Einstein
Success is a process, a quality of mind and a way of being, an outgoing affirmation of life...
— Alex Noble
Early one June morning in 1872 I murdered my father; an act which made a deep impression on me at the time.
— Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
— Aristotle (383-322 B.C.)
They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
— Ben Franklin (1775)
The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.
— Ben Franklin
Bite my shinny metal ass!
— Bender
If you wish information and improvement from the knowledge of others, and yet at the same time express yourself as firmly fix'd in your present opinions, modest, sensible men, who do not love disputation, will probably leave you undisturbed in the possession of your error.
— Benjamin Franklin
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
— Billy Crystal
Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
— Bob Ettinger
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian... They're not laughing now.
— Bob Monkhouse
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
— Conan O'Brien
Dark Side of the Moon, recorded 8th generation, on a $5 tape deck, through a Radio Shack microphone, will always "sound better" than a perfectly mastered super digital recording of John Tesh.
— Cube-ness
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.
— Dave Barry
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"
— Dave Barry
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
— Elayne Boosler
I think everyone needs a nice fine glass of STFU.
— Ender Ryan
Mandrake is the Mac of Linux.
Redhat is the MS of Linux.
Slackware is the UNIX of Linux.
Debian is the Linux of Linux.
— Faux Pseudo
Agent Gates: I hate this place. This GNU. This open source. This license, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the free software, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your GPL. And every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.
— fishbonez
Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment.
— Gay Hart
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.
— George Orwell
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
— Groucho Marx
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
— Groucho Marx
When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
— Henny Youngman
Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived.
— Isaac Asimov
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
— Jeff Foxworthy
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that's the law.
— Jerry Seinfeld
An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question.
— John McCarthy
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
— Johnny Carson
As a schoolteacher I never offered rules because everyone knows how they are supposed to act and the right way to deal with kids is to assume the best and react with shock to misbehavior to reinforce its out-of-boundness. When you say "don't X" you concede they will be Xing and are basically laying down the chalk lines of a playing field in which they will be trying to X and you will be trying to stop them. Much better to wait for X (you know, ninety seconds) and then say, "Whoa, X?!" Likewise never tell a class acting well that they are acting well -- that forces them to act worse. In fact, when a group is working well for the love of god keep yer big yap shut. One announcement reminding everyone of the softball game Friday is enough to break the spell. It's one of those Heisenberg deals.
— Kenny [comp.lang.lisp]
The tort system, without careful rules, is just a big harassment system that rich people can use on poor people.
— L. Ron Hubbard
You can't have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.
— Larry Flynt
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
— Lewis Grizzard
Q: Americans are egocentric, I know, but there has to be a limit.
A: Hey, there IS no limit when you're the world's superpower. All you lesser countries can do nothing but wish you were us.
— louis@h4h.com
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner.
— Lynda Montgomery
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
— Mae West
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.
— Mahatma Gandhi
Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.
— Mark Twain
Equal parts arrogance and condescension.
— NecroPuppy
Any system that depends on reliability is unreliable.
— Nogg's Postulate
Punctuality is the thief of time.
— Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
— Oscar Wilde
Giving money and power to Government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
— P.J. O'Rourke
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
— Paul Rodriguez
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim."
— Paula Poundstone
At Microsoft, quality is job 1.1.
— PC Magazine, Nov. 1994
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
— Plato
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
— Richard Jeni
Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.
— Robin Williams
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
— Robin Williams
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
— Roseanne
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
— Roseanne
Those who do not want to imitate anything, produce nothing.
— Salvador Dali
Conscience is a dirty bitch. It doesn't come to you when you need it but fucks you royally when you don't need it.
— Sriram Rangarajan
Sex is the most natural, most beautiful, most wonderful thing that money can buy.
— Steve Martin
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
— Ted Turner
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
— Terry Pratchett
The legitimate powers of government extend only to such acts as are injurious to others.
— Thomas Jefferson
It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
— Voltaire
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
— Warren Hutcherson
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
— Winston Churchill
I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
— Woody Allen
"Oh dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
... one nation under the deity of your choosing, if any, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all who can afford it.
1) Christ died for your sins.
2) If you do not sin, Christ died in vain.
3) Get on with it.
Abstraction: Because the first step in solving any problem is always to create more problems.
Acute perception is often called cynicism by those who do not possess it.
ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as "tunneling," this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbor's domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconveniences that may result.
Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
And on the Eighth day, the Lord made a backup...
argumentum ad ignorantiam
-- Fallacy of taking a statement not provably false and implying that it is therefore true.
Be there or be a shape with four equal sides and four equal angles.
Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes.
Civilization is only three meals away from anarchy.
Death is nature's way of saying "Howdy".
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl mistakes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Don't think that a small group of dedicated individuals can't change the world. It's the only thing that ever has.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Envy, n: Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage instead of having to try and acquire one.
Eschew obfuscation.
Every morning is a Smirnoff morning.
First Job of Government: Protect people from govermment.
Second Job of Government: Protect people from each other.
It must *never* be the job of government to protect people from themselves.
For a good time, call 127.0.0.1:37.
For years there has been a theory that millions of monkeys typing at random on millions of typewriters would reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. The Internet has proven this theory to be untrue.
Give a man a fish, he owes you one fish. Teach a man to fish, you give up your monopoly on fisheries.
Help stamp out, remove, and abolish redundancy.
Humanity Explained:
1) People are Lazy.
2) Thinking is Work.
I am not a number! I am a man! And don't you... oh wait, I'm #93427. Ha ha! In your face #93428!
I don't speak for my employer, but they feel that way as well, and would say so with fewer f-words...
I get my kicks above the .sigline, sunshine.
I like my women like my coffee... pale and bitter.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am... I think.
I'm offended by censorship.
I'm offended by censorship.
I've got no problem with God. It's his fan club that bugs the hell out of me.
If Chaos Theory has taught us anything, it's that we must kill all the butterflies.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it, then how bad of a decision can it really be?
If the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem looks like a nail.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.
In a democracy, the government has no rights, only permission. A government that has rights is a dictatorship.
In a World without Walls and Fences, who needs Windows and Gates?
Information wants to be beer.
Linux is as much about being Communist, as is the phrase, "of the people, by the people, and for the people".
Linux is like a wigwam... no gates... no windows... and an apache inside.
Lisp is not dead, it just smells funny.
Live as variously as possible.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.
main(O){10<putchar(4^--O?77-(15&5128>> ;4*O):10)&&main(2+O);}
make install -not war
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch, and may your arms be too short to scratch.
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. The answer is "No!"
Microsoft Windows: A thirty-two bit extension and graphical shell to a sixteen-bit patch to an eight-bit operating system originally coded for a four-bit microprocessor which was written by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition.
My PC refuses to think outside the box!
No .sig for you! NEXT!
OK, the cat's dead, for sure. I looked in the box, and found out that Dr. Schrodenger had killed it with a hammer.
One day, I'll find them - then they'll get what's coming to them. God help me, I'll use both sides of my hand.
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
OS X. Because it was easier to make Unix user friendly than to fix windows.
perl -e 'print $i=pack(c5, (41*2), sqrt(7056), (unpack(c,H)-2), oct(115), 10);'
Politician's Logic: Something must be done! This is something, so it must be done.
Sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
Slashdot: Where anecdotes and generalizations can be freely substituted for facts, logic, or intelligence.
Solve two of the worlds problems... Feed the homeless to the hungry.
Sometimes your mind can be so open, your brain falls out.
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!
The most dangerous and repulsive idea is the censorship of dangerous and repulsive ideas.
The one-legged woman's name is Eileen. She works at IHOP. Had issues getting her foot in the door, but she got a leg up.
This message was encrypted with ROT-26 cryptography. Attempting to circumvent this encoding is illegal under the DMCA.
This message was encrypted with ROT-26 encryption. Any attempt to decrypt will violate the DMCA.
Throughout human history, the greatest threat to life and liberty has been not terrorism, but the power of the state.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Trolling 101 - First find a subject people feel irrationaly passionate about.
Vegetarians eat Vegetables, Humanitarians... frighten me.
Welcome to the politically corrected corporate America...
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of it's nose?
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car...
When in doubt, reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.
When the only tool you have is a claw hammer, everything starts to look like the back of someone's skull.
When you drink alcohol you are but borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
When's the last time you used duct tape on a duct?
Why isn't phonetically spelled that way?
Without the 2nd Amendment, the others are just suggestions.
You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.
Slashdot
Americans are generally against communism because Americans believe, or at least used to believe, in individual liberty. Communism is the antithesis of this belief.
— Anonymous Coward
Choosing ignorance for bliss is not simply a self-indulgent lifestyle preference, it is also directly harmful to others. I don't look down on stupid people because I am arrogant, but because they are a threat to me.
— Anonymous Coward
I once left two WinXP CDs on my dashboard. When I finished work I found out that someone broke into my car... and left two more CDs.
— Anonymous Coward
Unless anyone comes up with evidence [of the existence of God], why give their fairy stories the benefit of the doubt? Even saying "I don't not believe that [God exists]" gives this rubbish too much intellectual respect.
— Anonymous Coward
Usual disclaimer, I'm not British, in fact, I've never even been there. I'm also not a lawyer, or a monkey.
— apathy maybe
However in cases like that one [proving the existence/nonexistence of God] generally resorts to Occam's razor, which says that all things being equal we should work on the assumption that the simpler explanation is the correct one. The simpler assumption in this case is that since Humans have always been ignorant about a great many things (a fact if there ever was one), and have a long history of coming up with supernatural explanations for just about all of them (and all of which have been disproven and replaced where science and technology had advanced to the point that they could be studied), then the patently supernatural God probably falls in this category.
— cryptochrome
Arguing on the internet is like running in the special olympics. Even if you win, you're still a retard.
— dfenstrate
As an american High School student, I'd like to officially apologize for my generation.
— duke12aw
If a bear claps with one hand in the forest to warn the pope about some poop he's about to slip in, and the pope doesn't hear it, because, well, it's only one hand, or paw rather, but then a tree falls on the bear, killing the bear, and startling the pope, who looks up from the path, and slips on the poop, but the bear was well intentioned because the bear only *had* one hand, or rather paw, to begin with anyway, does the bear thusly enter into the kingdom of heaven?
— Gary W. Longsine
There's a simple, unambiguous test anyone can apply to objectively determine whether a theory is scientific. That is: is the theory falsifiable? Does the theory make predictions that could potentially be proven wrong by evidence? Intelligent Design fails this test.
— Hatta
Rule number 1 of slashdot: Any thread can be twisted into a bash of Microsoft. No exceptions.
— MyLongNickName
Headline reports causation while story only confirms correlation, news at 11.
— severoon
These days you could probably get a patent for a "process of expelling excess gas generated by metabolic processing of protein and accumulated in the large intestine and colon."
— TheMeuge
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
Steven Wright
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
— Steven Wright
"So, do you live around here often?"
— Steven Wright
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
— Steven Wright
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
— Steven Wright
[Referring to a glass of water] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
— Steven Wright
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
— Steven Wright
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
— Steven Wright
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
— Steven Wright
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
— Steven Wright
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
— Steven Wright
A fool and his money are soon partying.
— Steven Wright
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
— Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
— Steven Wright
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
— Steven Wright
All the plants in my house are dead... I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
— Steven Wright
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
— Steven Wright
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
— Steven Wright
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
— Steven Wright
Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
— Steven Wright
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
— Steven Wright
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
— Steven Wright
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
— Steven Wright
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
— Steven Wright
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."
— Steven Wright
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
— Steven Wright
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
— Steven Wright
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
— Steven Wright
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
— Steven Wright
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...
— Steven Wright
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
— Steven Wright
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
— Steven Wright
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... [slow glance upward]
— Steven Wright
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
— Steven Wright
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
— Steven Wright
Half the people you know are below average.
— Steven Wright
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
— Steven Wright
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
— Steven Wright
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
— Steven Wright
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
— Steven Wright
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
— Steven Wright
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
— Steven Wright
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
— Steven Wright
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
— Steven Wright
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
— Steven Wright
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
— Steven Wright
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
— Steven Wright
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
— Steven Wright
I can't stop thinking like this.
— Steven Wright
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
— Steven Wright
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
— Steven Wright
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
— Steven Wright
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
— Steven Wright
I don't trust anybody!
— Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
— Steven Wright
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
— Steven Wright
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
— Steven Wright
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
— Steven Wright
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
— Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go."
— Steven Wright
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
— Steven Wright
I had amnesia once or twice.
— Steven Wright
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
— Steven Wright
I had my coathangers spayed.
— Steven Wright
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
— Steven Wright
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
— Steven Wright
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
— Steven Wright
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
— Steven Wright
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
— Steven Wright
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
— Steven Wright
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
— Steven Wright
I installed a skylight in my apartment... The people who live above me are furious!
— Steven Wright
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
— Steven Wright
I invented the cordless extension cord.
— Steven Wright
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
— Steven Wright
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
— Steven Wright
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
— Steven Wright
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
— Steven Wright
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
— Steven Wright
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
— Steven Wright
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
— Steven Wright
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
— Steven Wright
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
— Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
— Steven Wright
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
— Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
— Steven Wright
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
— Steven Wright
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
— Steven Wright
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
— Steven Wright
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
— Steven Wright
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."
— Steven Wright
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
— Steven Wright
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
— Steven Wright
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
— Steven Wright
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
— Steven Wright
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
— Steven Wright
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
— Steven Wright
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
— Steven Wright
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
— Steven Wright
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
— Steven Wright
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
— Steven Wright
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
— Steven Wright
I was an only child... eventually.
— Steven Wright
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
— Steven Wright
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
— Steven Wright
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
— Steven Wright
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
— Steven Wright
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
— Steven Wright
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
— Steven Wright
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
— Steven Wright
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
— Steven Wright
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
— Steven Wright
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
— Steven Wright
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
— Steven Wright
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
— Steven Wright
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
— Steven Wright
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
— Steven Wright
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
— Steven Wright
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
— Steven Wright
I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
— Steven Wright
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
— Steven Wright
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
— Steven Wright
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
— Steven Wright
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
— Steven Wright
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
— Steven Wright
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
— Steven Wright
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
— Steven Wright
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
— Steven Wright
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
— Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
— Steven Wright
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
— Steven Wright
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
— Steven Wright
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
— Steven Wright
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
— Steven Wright
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
— Steven Wright
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
— Steven Wright
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
— Steven Wright
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
— Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
— Steven Wright
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
— Steven Wright
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
— Steven Wright
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
— Steven Wright
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
— Steven Wright
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
— Steven Wright
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
— Steven Wright
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
— Steven Wright
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
— Steven Wright
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
— Steven Wright
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
— Steven Wright
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
— Steven Wright
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
— Steven Wright
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
— Steven Wright
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
— Steven Wright
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
— Steven Wright
Is "tired old cliche" one?
— Steven Wright
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
— Steven Wright
It's a fine night to have an evening.
— Steven Wright
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
— Steven Wright
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
— Steven Wright
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
— Steven Wright
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
— Steven Wright
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
— Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
— Steven Wright
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
— Steven Wright
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
— Steven Wright
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
— Steven Wright
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
— Steven Wright
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
— Steven Wright
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
— Steven Wright
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
— Steven Wright
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
— Steven Wright
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
— Steven Wright
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
— Steven Wright
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
— Steven Wright
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
— Steven Wright
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
— Steven Wright
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
— Steven Wright
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.
— Steven Wright
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
— Steven Wright
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
— Steven Wright
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
— Steven Wright
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
— Steven Wright
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
— Steven Wright
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
— Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
— Steven Wright
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
— Steven Wright
Smoking cures weight problems... eventually...
— Steven Wright
Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
— Steven Wright
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
— Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
— Steven Wright
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
— Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
— Steven Wright
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
— Steven Wright
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
— Steven Wright
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
— Steven Wright
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
— Steven Wright
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on the ledge.
— Steven Wright
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
— Steven Wright
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
— Steven Wright
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
— Steven Wright
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
— Steven Wright
The sky already fell. Now what?
— Steven Wright
The sky is falling... no, I'm tipping over backwards.
— Steven Wright
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
— Steven Wright
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
— Steven Wright
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
— Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
— Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
— Steven Wright
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... [picks up his glass of water from the stool]... I like to live on the edge...
— Steven Wright
This isn't all true.
— Steven Wright
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
— Steven Wright
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
— Steven Wright
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
— Steven Wright
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
— Steven Wright
What are imitation rhinestones?
— Steven Wright
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
— Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
— Steven Wright
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
— Steven Wright
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
— Steven Wright
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
— Steven Wright
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
— Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
— Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
— Steven Wright
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
— Steven Wright
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
— Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
— Steven Wright
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
— Steven Wright
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
— Steven Wright
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
— Steven Wright
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
— Steven Wright
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
— Steven Wright
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing.
— Steven Wright
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
— Steven Wright
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
— Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
— Steven Wright
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
— Steven Wright
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
— Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
— Steven Wright
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
— Steven Wright
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
— Steven Wright
Technical
It is better to have 100 functions operate on one data structure than have 10 functions operate on 10 data structures.
— Alan Perlis
Show me your ~/.emacs and I will tell you who you are.
— Bogdan Maryniuk
Me: I think I'm done buying computers that I can't run my own code on.
Friend: Just think of the iPad as being a pile of books. You can't run your code on those either.
Me: Thinking of a computer as being a pile of books is like thinking of a guitar as being Abbey Road by the Beatles.
— Chris Ball
As a security precaution, your hard disk is being formated now.
— Computer
Bite me!
— Computer
Eat me!
— Computer
I don't wanna give you a quote!
— Computer
I got your quote, right here!
— Computer
No quote for you.
— Computer
Quote this!
— Computer
USER, n.: The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."
— Dave Barry (Claw Your Way to the Top)
Unix is very simple, but it takes a genius to understand the simplicity.
— Dennis Ritchie
Let me drop everything and work on your problem.
— Dilbert
Premature optimization is the root of all evil (or at least most of it) in programming.
— Donald Knuth
Lisp has jokingly been called "the most intelligent way to misuse a computer". I think that description is a great compliment because it transmits the full flavor of liberation: it has assisted a number of our most gifted fellow humans in thinking previously impossible thoughts.
— Edsger Dijkstra, CACM, 15:10
Emacs was created by man. It rebelled. It evolved. There are many copies. It has a plan.
— Emacs IRC Channel Topic [freenode.net]
Lisp is worth learning for the profound enlightenment experience you will have when you finally get it; that experience will make you a better programmer for the rest of your days, even if you never actually use Lisp itself a lot.
— Eric Raymond
unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep
— fortune(6)
The use of any sufficiently powerful text editor is indistinguishable from magic to IDE users.
— glenatron [stackoverflow]
Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains an ad-hoc, informally-specified, bug-ridden, slow implementation of half of Common Lisp.
— Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming
Sometimes dealing with [Windows] 2000 was like dealing with a cross between Marvin the Paranoid Android, HAL, and a VCR that always blinks 12:00.
— Jean-Claude Gerow
Greed is never good.
— Linus Torvalds
Getting information off the Internet is like taking a drink from a fire hydrant.
— Mitchell Kapor
In fact, one of the saddest but most common conditions in elementary school computer labs (when they exist in the developing world), is the children are being trained to use Word, Excel and PowerPoint. I consider that criminal, because children should be making things, communicating, exploring, sharing, not running office automation tools.
— Nicholas Negropontes (OLPC)
While any text editor can save your files, only Emacs can save your soul.
— Per Abrahamsen
Patterns are a demonstration of a weakness in a language.
— Peter Norvig
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
— Robert R. Coveyou
Keyboard Prayer: Our program who art in Memory,
Hello be Thy Name.
Thy Operating System come,
Thy commands be done,
at the Printer as it is on the Screen.
Give us this day our daily Data,
and forgive us our I/O Errors
as we forgive those whose Logic Circuits are faulty.
Lead us not into frustration,
and deliver us from Power Surges.
For Thine is the Algorithm, the Application,
and the Solution, looping forever and ever.
Return.
— Saint Silicon [Jeffrey Armstrong]
Emacs is like a laser guided missile. It only has to be slightly mis-configured to ruin your whole day.
— Sean McGrath
In C, you merely shoot yourself in the foot.
In C++, you accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, because you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, "That's me, over there."
— USENET joke
All your base are belong to us.
— Zero Wing video game
01234567 <- The amazing* indent-o-meter!
^ (* Indent-o-meter may not actually amaze.)
A: Because it fouls the order in which people normally read text.
Q: Why is top-posting such a bad thing?
A: Top-posting.
Q: What is the most annoying thing on usenet and in e-mail?
James DeBragga [Windows Consumer Product Manager]: Android is "free like a puppy".
spark: "Free like a puppy" is certainly much, much better than an atrociously priced and uncontrollably incontinent, rabies-infected mad hound.
Twitter
This morning I saw a bumper sticker that said, "Try Jesus". Made me wonder what the catch block looked like.
— jasonbock
The world is [moving] so fast that there are days when the person who says it can't be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.
— SaraJKK
A QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.
— sempf [Bill Sempf]
Ask a programmer to review 10 lines of code and he'll find 10 issues. Ask him to review 500 lines of code and he'll say it looks good.
Unix and Linux
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
— Bill Gates [in 1981]
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer.
— Erik Naggum
Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies.
— Linus Torvalds
— Michael Sinz
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
— Robert Firth
'unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep' -- my daily unix command list
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history -- with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting.
After Perl everything else is just assembly language.
Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up.
Better to be a geek than an idiot.
COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods.
Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows.
Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have a contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end.
Difference between a virus and windows? Viruses rarely fail.
Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades.
Geek's favorite pickup line: 'Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform?'
Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you.
I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'.
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.
If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0
If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough.
If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise.
If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.
Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code.
Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error.
Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell.
Microsoft: 'You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips.'
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
'Tis not possible!', i muttered, 'give me back my free hardcore!'
quoth the server, 404.
People say Microsoft paid $14M for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed $14M only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'.
Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.
Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
SUPERCOMPUTER: What it sounded like before you bought it.
The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2.
The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed Linux.
The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones.
The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.
The more I C, the less I see.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.
The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back.
The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary.
To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password.
To go forward, you must backup.
Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are.
Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something.
Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.
Usenet
[Jon] Lispers who, almost by definition, don't know any modern programming languages. [Dan] Lispers know tons of modern languages. We invent a new one every time we write another application. :)
— Jon Harrop & Dan Bensen (comp.lang.lisp on 2008-03-09)
Zen of Scarcasm
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.